Work: September 2005 Archives

At work, our marketing department puts out feelers to attract clients. When they try our product, we in sales get notified and we then engage the customer either with a phone call or a template email. Once in a while we get some doozies as replies. The following is one of those boilerplate emails sent by one of the sales guys here:

Seamus Fanucci wrote:

Hello,

My name is Seamus Fanucci and I tried contacting you last week regarding your interest in our technology tool called Techtool. Do you need help starting up? Blah blah blah? Have you taken the product demo? Need resources to help you get started?

Feel free to contact me or you can send me an email at seamus@company.com and I will gladly help you with any questions.

Thanks for your interest,

Seamus

I never said that his boilerplate emails were any good. Anyhow Mr. Withheld responds:

As I mentioned last week, we at work recently lost Dick, the CEO. I hadn't mentioned it, but our CFO was on vacation for a month, and returned last week. The announcement from Queen Zeal went out Thursday:

There are some changes coming in the Finance group.

First, I wish to inform you that Diamond Mine has decided to resign. Although this is being announced today, she actually resigned earlier this summer and it had been hoped that she might change her mind after some much deserved downtime and rest with her family. Instead she has decided to move forward with her decision and is back with us until October 7th in order to facilitate the knowledge transfer and bring closure to some specific projects.

I would also like to announce the addition of a new Finance resource: Likely Bastard will be joining our organization on September 26th in the role of Director, Business Planning & Strategic Analysis. Mr Bastard is a very experienced finance professional who will bring his considerable analytical capabilities and business modeling experience to help guide our team toward tighter, actionable (Actionable! Gah!-Ed.) business deliverables.

Please join me in wishing Diamond success in her future endeavors and in thanking her for her tremendous contribution.

Queen Zeal

Since month-end was last Wednesday, and I couldn't see me closing any business last Thursday or Friday, I decided to take those days off. For some reason, I thought it wise to check my work email. Here's the irony:

I am writing to inform you that Dick has made the decision to resign from his position as CEO; he advised the Board of his decision in July and the Board has decided to accept it effective today.

-snip-

With his departure, I will report directly to the Board and will have the mandate to lead the organization as its most senior officer.

Dick will continue to contribute to our success during the next few months, providing strategic and business development assistance on a consulting basis and will take on a role on the Board.

-snip-

Regards,

Queen Zeal