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Big deadline this week for localization work in subtitles. My team has worked hard and is ahead of schedule. In fact, by the end of today we will be finished the first pass of all subtitles in all cinematics in the game.

I'm sitting here at my desk in the office. I just installed a little fan behind me and took a few minutes to relax while the game compiles. Now it's time to run the game and see the latest updates in Italian. And the game will not FUCKING RUN.

Goddamnit. Maybe I should stick to managing resources rather than actually being one of them. At least I can try reason with people. You can't reason with code. But in reality, I feel fine.

Now that I think of it, this might actually be a decent day in terms of relaxation and health. It hasn't been a good week in terms of how I feel physically; I realized just how bad my non-cancer-related health is. Specifically, yoga showed that no matter how easy the physical activity is that I am doing, it is still a big challenge for me. I did yoga on Monday, and I still have a sore neck. The soreness goes all down the left side of the neck to my shoulder. I hope it's just a case of unused muscles being annoyed at being woken up.

I am really looking forward to getting my body back, if at all possible. I will continue this gentle cancer yoga for as long as I can until I think that I can get into a gym (although with all the financial management I have started, I wonder if I can afford it). imagine being as fit as I was when I was 25! I think that I can do it. Yoga is about accepting what is, but I find this to be very difficult. We are going to focus on this in the next few sessions.

I think I might be getting a little impatient. I am normally pretty patient when I want changes to occur in my life, but I want to go back to school now; I want to become financially responsible and more debt-free now (although I think that I can attain my credit card goals this year), I want to become more physically fit right now. This isn't wise and is not good for the mind or spirit. I am changing both positively and negatively. I need to work on that, I guess.

I promised to update people on things, and here is my chance to do so.

The last month has been up and down in a number of ways. Work has changed completely. We are in the last stages of our project. People are working overtime, but not huge amounts of it. We have essentially run out of people to do/fix the subtitles so, since I wasn't doing much as a PM anyway because of the nature of both the project and management, I was tapped to be the Senior Subtitle Implementation Programmer. (Did you like that new title I just made up? I've got management written all over me.)

This has changed certain things. I no longer have time to read blogs all day, and so I no longer feel the need to write about certain things right now. I'll get back to it, though, as I think that it is an important topic that most people would rather not discuss frankly. I am not nearly as bored as I was. It was a good bored, not a bad bored, so it wasn't really terrible at all. I got to read blogs all day, after all.

I have been away for two reasons. One, I have been busy with work (more on that later)  and chemotherapy (more on that later). Secondly, I couldn't have blogged even if I wanted to, which I did. There were technical problems that prevented me from entering information in the text box. Stupid, no? What's worse is that it was all caused because I didn't include the "www" in the login URL. Thanks, MT.

What I intend to do for the time being is to show you some pictures that I have taken over the last little while. I will expand on the topics I broached later. This week, hopefully. In the meantime, check out some photos from a recent trip to the Botanical Gardens.

On January 9, 1998, downtown Montreal, that by many to be largely immune to the devastating icy retrograde existence of the rest of Western Quebec, Eastern Ontario and Northern New York, succumbed to the darkness. Let me tell you about it.

I was working at a crappy telemarketing firm (which led to a crappy sales career, but I digress). January 9 was a Friday. I knew that I had to work that day even though things were getting chaotic from this storm, because the managers were bastards. I did not expect, though, that we would be let go at noon that day. That was a blessing.

The company was in the Alexis-Nihon corporate tower and I lived on Pine and Clark, so it was one 15-minute bus ride home. I started walking on Atwater to Sherbrooke instead of waiting at de Maisonneuve, just for kicks, I suppose. At the time, there was a tall tree behind a bus shelter. Outside the shelter, an old woman was standing with her umbrella. All trees were incredibly and depressingly laden with very heavy ice; the larger the tree, the greater the amount of ice.This tree might have been forty feet tall under normal circumstances, but this day it was bent over so painfully and so much that it lost about ten to fifteen feet in height. It was straining with the added weight of ice. You really thought of these trees as overworked beasts of burden, or like the slaves that carried the rocks to build the pyramids.

Here are the results of an emotional intelligence test that I took at Queendom.com. Take this test here. I'd be interested to know how I compare to others. I think that I would have scored a bit higher in the past, which is a bit sad.

Our Emotional Intelligence Test consists of two parts; a self-report portion and an ability portion. The test assesses your capacity to: recognize your own emotions and those of others; understand how best to motivate yourself; become close to others; and manage your own feelings and those of others.

You had an average score on this assessment (115 overall), indicating that both your self-report and ability scores were in the mid-range. (I don't think I like being average. They might as well call me a fuckwit.) You appear to generally be able to accurately recognize the emotions of others, manage your own feelings and know how best to approach others in an empathetic manner. Moreover, you accurately perceive your abilities in this area. This is key to improving your abilities even more, as knowing your strengths and problem areas can help you know which areas you need to concentrate on.

Only two things really happened to me this year. I made a career transition, and it went even better than I thought it could. Video game project management? That's pretty crazy. I got a copy of my game and showed it to my family. I showed them my name in the credits and it was very gratifying. But as big as that was, it's nothing compared to the drama that started on May 3. It's hard to do a wrap up when your year is like this. I'll try. It's easier when you have an archived blog.

January: I thought 2006 was bad. I was disappointed and worried about not getting a job offer, but it all worked out in the end.

February: More high hopes that were later dashed.

And happy tidings. Rose and I are in Brockville right now, and we will be returning to Montreal later today. I can't say that I am looking forward to it. Let's compare the two places.

Brockville

Montreal

A nice, warm, clean, familiar house with plenty of space. Two people that enjoy taking care of things like ironing clothes. Good food on a regular basis. Relaxation and distance from my problems, time to heal and deal. Proximity to my brother, my favourite relative. Proximity to my sister, whose house is like a mansion. Proximity to my nieces and nephews, some of which I know could benefit from my presence. Access to a car if I get insurance. Stores open until six on the weekends instead of five. That makes a big difference. Satellite TV

A small, dirty, crappy apartment whose kitchen and living room combined are the size of my 8-year-old niece's bedroom. I am not kidding. Obligations and responsibilities, not all of which I feel I can handle. A sense of futility and frustration. Having to walk around and deal with the metro and bus system, which is normally pretty good, but still. A more complicated way of living. Unfriendly people.

The chemo is over, and if all goes well, I'll never have it again, yet I still feel like shit. I still puked this morning, although weakly. I still have an awful taste in my mouth. I still have this gremlin in my throat that makes me want to voluntarily barf, as though there were anything to bring up. I am now 169 pounds. A week ago I was more than 180.

But worse than all that, or as as result of it, I don't really like myself at all. I have a feeling of worthlessness. I have little money, and I won't have any for a while. I hate my living circumstances. I feel stupid, listless, sad and angry, although not explosively so the way I did in October. I don't feel as though I can attend to anything properly. I wonder what I am doing at work and why they even need me at all. I better understand people that feel as though they are fakes about to be discovered. I have a make up exam tomorrow that I doubt that I will even write because I cannot even find the material I need to study. It's not even that hard, but I will fail this course. I will be a failure yet again. I can barely find the will to move. I feel like a skeleton in many ways.

And we'll see how the anti-vomit pills (and suppositories) work this time. And it's time to shave again. Being cancer bald was fine in the late summer/fall. Not looking forward to it this time.

Last night I felt ill in anticipation; this morning I gagged. I came home with more pills than before as well as a puke bag. I'm not the best person for taking all his meds on time, but you can bet that I will be vigilant, at least for the next five days anyway.

I better news, all my papers and such are where they should be, so I will continue to get paid as well as go back to work part time on December 3, the Monday after next. The following week, Rose gets her promotion and starts working days. Now those are things to get happy about.

The same age as when Jesus died for your fucking sins, you damn heathens. If I make it to next year, I'll have done something that not even the son of God could do. Heh.

It started 8 days ago. Rose and I decided to have tea. I thought it was my idea, but little did I know that I was to be treated to a surprise! Tea started out normally, but then she asked me about the car and goats problem. I should have smelled something funny at this point since I know she doesn't care about it at all, but I indulged in explaining it to her. This, of course, was a distraction; she didn't want me to idly look up and see what the hostesses were preparing. Which was my favourite pie, lemon meringue! It was followed by teacups hand made from local artists Maude Blais and Sheila Caplan. Click the picture to see better.

November 8 was a great day. I had lunch with zura and Suj at Olive et Gourmando in Old Montreal. I couldn't finish the Nouveau Chèvre sandwich, but it was still delicious. Then Suj and I went off shopping to find me an awesome toaster oven. I should toss my regular oven, because this thing rocks. It works better than the conventional one. Afterwards, Suj became my personal porter and lugged the thing all the way to NDG where we visited Krystal at her work, Shaika Cafe. She makes a mean ho cho.

I had to run back home because I needed to drop stuff off and then go to the local CLSC to learn how to fill my Neupogen syringes (two a day, plus one for Tinzaparin, yay!), and later that evening it was drinks with the gang (Sujerin, zura and Krystal) at the Irish Embassy pub. Photos from that evening are in K-Dawg's hands, so I can't show anything right now, but I will say that I am proud to have had 2 full pints AND baby pork ribs. Impressive for a guy with only 3/4 of a stomach and 3/20 of an esophagus. St. Patty's, here I come!

Speaking of which, I am happy to say that I am recovering pretty well. Now that chemo is over, I can reap the benefits of being 2 and a half months post surgery. Eating is approaching normal with normal results. Things are finally starting to look really good.