The New Scrawl

Something always needs to be going on

2008-07-22T15:25:49Z

Things have been happening lately, for sure. There's been a emotional and physical upheaval. I won't get into all the details in this post, but I will describe some of the physical.

Last Wednesday, I started feeling a pain and soreness in my neck. At first I thought that it was muscle pain related to posture (I may not have the most ergonomic environment at work or at home), and since I am now prone to minor muscle soreness, this seemed reasonable. But it never went away that day. In fact, it swelled up to the point where you could see it if you looked.

I was supposed to leave to go to the Retreat Yourself '08 retreat sponsored by Young Adult Cancer Canada (formerly Real Time Cancer) on Thursday afternoon. I still had some pain and swelling Thursday morning when I got up at 5:30. I figured that the prudent thing to do would be to get it checked out by a doctor, so I arrived at the hospital at 7 am. There was no one else in the emergency ward, so everything happened pretty quickly initially. I saw the triage nurse, then I got registered, seen by a medical student and then a doctor all within 90 minutes, which is pretty fast for a Canadian emergency ward in a large city.
]]> tumour near my jugular vein and that that is where the swelling is. I would need a CT scan instead. The worry was that there was an abcess in the area causing the swelling, or some kind of necrosis. A blood test was administered and I waited for about 30 minutes before getting the scan done. By the time it was over, it was 10 am. Still making pretty good time, even though I was not to expect the CT scan report for about an hour. Of course, an hour came and went. Then two. Then three. My ride to the airport had to leave.

I decided to take my time and go to the hem-onc department and tell the nurse manager what was happening to me. This woman has saved me so much time and worry over the past year it's incredible. She told me that I would not get results until the following week, and that if I feel up to going to the retreat (2 hours away), then I should just go ahead. At 1:30 I was forced to check myself out of the hospital against medical advice and take a cab to the airport, in order to make the 2 pm deadline. I barely made it.

When we were about 20 minutes out of town and just getting to know some people, I got a call saying that it was confirmed that I had an abcess that needed draining, that I was in serious medical danger and that I needed to get back to Montreal as soon as possible. Given that we were all cancer patients, the organizers and facilitators were incredibly understanding (much less than the asshole bus driver) and stopped the bus. Geoff Eaton, founder and executive director of Young Adults Cancer Canada, and Suzanne O'Brien, executive director of Hope and Cope (primary sponsor of the retreat) picked me up in their car and drove me back to Montreal. It was now 3:30.

After this, I waited around for more than an hour. An ENT came and told me what I already knew, which was that I had to get an abcess drained, however, I needed to wait until 8 am the next morning since it was now after 5 and the ultrasound people had gone home. (Ultrasound was necessary because this abcess was deep and they couldn't poke around blindly near my jugular vein.)

By this time, I despaired of ever making it to the retreat. The next morning, I went to the nuclear medicine department for my ultrasound and draining. The tech seemed to doubt the existence of this abcess right from the beginning, without even looking at me. She confirmed her suspicions: there was no abcess, no fluid and nothing to drain. The radiologist confirmed her findings. In the end, he suspected that there was probably some lymph node activity (in other words, disease spreading to the lymph nodes) but that he was the last person to give a real opinion on it. It's not his expertise. I felt fine, so I was discharged. My appointment with my oncologist is set for this Thursday.

There is much more to tell, but I will cut this entry short here.

That's so me

2008-07-16T20:07:44Z

Genocide

2008-07-08T19:06:44Z

I have a few questions about genocide:

Is what the Germans did to the Jews during WWII genocide? (Note: it is frequently referred to as such.)
Is what the Europeans did to the native North Americans genocide? (Note: it is very rarely referred to as such.)
When is genocide justifiable?
Did the people who instigated and perpetuated these campaigns (which included murder, rape, enslavement and torture) know any better? In other words, can their deeds be understood and forgiven within the greater context and culture of the time, therefore lessening the impact and responsibility of what was done?
Is it only genocide if you are the victim? Is it something else if you are the aggressor?

I would appreciate it if you could answer these questions as best you can in order to discuss what genocide actually is, and what impact it has on the future.

Et la vie continue

2008-07-03T20:12:59Z

As you know, I've been pretty stressed and depressed with the anticipation of the results of last week's scan. I've been very pragmatic and conservative about my expectations until this morning. This morning, and all day until the actual results, I was fearfully hoping that I could hit a home run and be clear. Today I got the results. In keeping with tradition:

There is a previous history of esophagectomy and gastric pull-up for esophageal carcinoma. Since the previous PET scan, the patient has been on chemotherapy with the last dose given in May, 2008. The previously described small hypermetabolic focus located in the retropancreatic region on the left side of the celiac axis and inferolaterally to the surgical clips visualized on the CT scan, shows a similar maximum SUV of approximately 11 and on scanning, there is no evidence of significant change.

The previously demonstrated small lobulated hypermetabolic focus located anteriorly to the superior vena cava and therefore laterally to the ascending thoracic aorta (at the transverse horizontal plane of the carina level) shows a slightly more lobulated appearance and an SUV of 10.6 as compared to 9.7 in January, 2008.

There is a new focus of increased uptake in the region of the left lower internal jugular vein channel, at the horizontal level of the thyroid gland, measuring approximately 1.5 cm in diameter with a maximum SUV of 10.3.

There is no evidence of abnormal increased uptake at the sites of the small pulmonary parenchymal abnormalities visualized on the CT scan.

The rest of the total body PET scan shows no evidence of other sites of abnormal increased uptake to suggest the presence of active lesions avid on the FDG radiotracer at this time.

Very minor changes of the hypermetabolic foci located one of them in the mediastinum and the other in the retropancreatic region, since January, 2008, compatible with metastases. New small hypermetabolic focus in the left internal jugular vein channel, which is highly suspicious for a new metastatic lesion.

The rest of the PET scan appears normal.

]]>
When I left the hospital, I was feeling pretty good about everything. No change. When I told the nurses and support staff, they seemed pretty excited about the news, so I felt highly relieved. The doctor did tell me about the thing in my throat, but he said that it was very small. I was thinking more along the lines of a speck rather than something as big as the other two tumours. I only learned how big the speck was while writing this entry, in fact. This means that the metastases are 50% greater in volume than they were before. This does not seem like a very positive thing, however, I am feeling too good right now to dwell on this.

The doctor started to say that I should probably go back on chemotherapy. Before he could finish his sentence, I started shaking my head and told him that it wasn't going to happen. He wasn't even fazed; it was as though he were fully expecting my response and only started talking about chemotherapy as a formality. I told him about my plans to fight this with diet and exercise, and that I really needed to speak to their best nutritionist. He told me that they just hired a new one that specializes in patients with gastro-esophageal illness and disease, so I will be in touch with this person very soon. He supports my decision and has scheduled a follow up scan for October.

Instead of hitting a home run, I got hit by a pitch and got on first base, advancing a runner, but not scoring. If you don't get my baseball metaphors, what can I say? Learn the game.

The good thing is a I am really taking charge of my life. Today, I made my first RRSP contribution. I have formally decided to take charge of my health 100%, and am enlisting the help of real experts that I believe in. Things are slowly happening. A Vedic astrologer said that I was not going to be out of the woods yet with respect to my health, and that I would have to wait until around October for that to happen. He was right about not being out of the woods, and he was right about October. Maybe he will be right about the end result. Maybe I will be able to say that I will be clear. I can't wait for that day.

I have a renewed sense of hope that was flagging terribly in the last few months. I feel a little more like myself. I think that I can beat this, maybe even sometime this year. Perhaps before my birthday. Julie and I are going to come up with some plans in the next few days. As usual, I will keep you posted.

I will be fine.

Etchings

2008-07-03T12:28:35Z

I decided to post here again,so feel free to check it out.

D-Day

2008-07-02T18:52:45Z

Tomorrow, I will find out the results of last week's scan. I fully realized today what Julie already knew: I am frightened about tomorrow. I can talk all I want about my lack of faith in this chemotherapy bullshit and about how I am going to take care of this on my own and so on, but in the end, I am scared shitless about what the doctor will tell me tomorrow, no matter how calm I look on the outside. With each passing hour, I get a little more anxious.

In other news, I may get onto another project as early as next week. It'll be a summertime assignment, probably, so we'll see what happens.

Scan day

2008-06-26T15:34:54Z

I had my PET scan today to determine how much cancer is still in my body. I've had some back pain lately, likely due to yoga, which I will likely have to stop. This combined with the hard table you have to lie down on for 30 minutes left me feeling sore, tired and simply sad.

I am not sure what is wrong with me today, but these feelings of sadness and dissatisfaction won't go away easily, I think. This technically should be a time for optimism and hope, but it isn't at all. I think that the closer I get to the day of the results, which is next Thursday, the more that I am filled with a sense of dread.

But there is more than that. It's the dissatisfaction. What am I dissatisfied with? I know it has something to do with cancer, and it has nothing to do with those who have helped me. Maybe it's not dissatisfaction, but rather disappointment. All I know is that I am not very happy today, and the next couple of weeks don't look too great, either.

Maybe I just need to see more friends.

Wings

2008-06-21T14:42:54Z

Do you have wings? I like to think that I do. By the way, this is an old meme, but I don`t actually know what my readers`Myers-Briggs types are. I wonder if there are more I`s than E`s that read my words, and the details of those I`s and E`s. Why don`t you take a Myers-Briggs test and find out, then tell me here? I, of course, am an ENTP. I think.

I would also encourage you to read this. Just how emotionally mature are you? I would say that I am just to the right of the middle of the pack, although the last year has pushed me further to the right (assuming that emotionally mature is on the right side of the scale, and emotionally immature is on the left).

And my God, this is beautiful. I have never heard this story before.

Mystery feet

2008-06-20T14:27:08Z

You may have read about the mystery feet washing up in BC. Here's my take on it.

Dégustation de thés 2008

2008-06-19T19:03:23Z

Tea is a big part of our lives (Julie and I, that is) and to that end we decided to take 5 hours of our lives and go to the seminars offered by premier tea provider and salon Camellia Sinensis last weekend. It was incredibly fun! We got to taste 19 different teas! Delicious, I must say. Definitely an experience even for those that don't know much about tea. For example:

Pu-erh teas are the only tea that does not degrade over time; in fact it gets better and better with age. For this reason, they are classified by year and region just like vintage wine. They often look and taste similar to a strong black tea to the novice, even though there is a green tea aspect to it. One of the owners of Camellia Sinensis was allowed (after a grueling question-and-answer session by some local tea cultivators and sellers in China) to enter what I would call a shrine to Pu-erh tea. In this room was millions of dollars of tea stored in individual cakes. One such cake dating from 1930 (and there were many, even much older ones) and weighing roughly 350 grams cost about $10 000. Using the consumption of Julie and I as a reference* it would cost us about $30 per cup of tea. $30. Per CUP. If you wanted to try our tea, we'd have to charge you.

]]> Tea can be a very prestigious commodity, like wine and spirits. At an auction this year, one very wealthy Chinese woman bought 25 grams of tea at an auction for $23 000. When asked what she was thinking, she boldly admitted that she didn't know very much about tea, but bought it for the prestige of being able to do so.

If you like premium Darjeeling tea, you may be disappointed in the 2008 spring yields. Snow, cold, and other inclement weather conditions combined with labour problems yielded a smaller amount of production at a considerably lesser quality than normal. The price you pay may not be worth it. Ask questions.

The difference between Chinese teas and Japanese teas in terms of production and philosophy is as clear as the difference in practice and philosophy between kung-fu and karate, or the Chinese and Japanese tea ceremonies, and it comes through in the taste if your palate and knowledge is sufficiently advanced. Japanese tea production uses more machines, is extremely clean, and is very, very precise. Chinese tea production is more intuitive, more fluid and flexible. Both are vastly different from Indian tea production, which, due to cultural factors, focuses more on large production of lesser quality teas to the West, although there are high-quality teas to be found there. It's no surprise that the country with the highest tea production is India.

Julie took a lot of notes on the teas that we sampled and bought that can be seen here.
It's worth looking at if you want to know more about tea from China, Taiwan, India and Japan. It's in French; if you want a translation, let me know.

* about 2 cups of tea per person per session (although in any given day she drinks much more than I do) which means roughly that 1 gram makes 1 cup for us. You can definitely stretch it, though, which we would do if we actually had this incredible tea in our possession.

Stifled relaxation

2008-06-19T14:50:20Z

Big deadline this week for localization work in subtitles. My team has worked hard and is ahead of schedule. In fact, by the end of today we will be finished the first pass of all subtitles in all cinematics in the game.

I'm sitting here at my desk in the office. I just installed a little fan behind me and took a few minutes to relax while the game compiles. Now it's time to run the game and see the latest updates in Italian. And the game will not FUCKING RUN.

Goddamnit. Maybe I should stick to managing resources rather than actually being one of them. At least I can try reason with people. You can't reason with code. But in reality, I feel fine.

Now that I think of it, this might actually be a decent day in terms of relaxation and health. It hasn't been a good week in terms of how I feel physically; I realized just how bad my non-cancer-related health is. Specifically, yoga showed that no matter how easy the physical activity is that I am doing, it is still a big challenge for me. I did yoga on Monday, and I still have a sore neck. The soreness goes all down the left side of the neck to my shoulder. I hope it's just a case of unused muscles being annoyed at being woken up.

I am really looking forward to getting my body back, if at all possible. I will continue this gentle cancer yoga for as long as I can until I think that I can get into a gym (although with all the financial management I have started, I wonder if I can afford it). imagine being as fit as I was when I was 25! I think that I can do it. Yoga is about accepting what is, but I find this to be very difficult. We are going to focus on this in the next few sessions.

I think I might be getting a little impatient. I am normally pretty patient when I want changes to occur in my life, but I want to go back to school now; I want to become financially responsible and more debt-free now (although I think that I can attain my credit card goals this year), I want to become more physically fit right now. This isn't wise and is not good for the mind or spirit. I am changing both positively and negatively. I need to work on that, I guess.

Wordled

2008-06-17T13:40:59Z

Inspired by Zura, and since I have nothing to do while code compiles (I'm not a programmer, really!), here is the previous entry in Wordle format. I think it looks pretty neat.

Maybe I'll do more of these. They seem fun.

Changes

2008-06-10T20:45:51Z

I promised to update people on things, and here is my chance to do so.

The last month has been up and down in a number of ways. Work has changed completely. We are in the last stages of our project. People are working overtime, but not huge amounts of it. We have essentially run out of people to do/fix the subtitles so, since I wasn't doing much as a PM anyway because of the nature of both the project and management, I was tapped to be the Senior Subtitle Implementation Programmer. (Did you like that new title I just made up? I've got management written all over me.)

This has changed certain things. I no longer have time to read blogs all day, and so I no longer feel the need to write about certain things right now. I'll get back to it, though, as I think that it is an important topic that most people would rather not discuss frankly. I am not nearly as bored as I was. It was a good bored, not a bad bored, so it wasn't really terrible at all. I got to read blogs all day, after all.

]]> The other major thing (the only MAJOR thing) that happened was that chemotherapy finally ended. No more treatments for now. My PET scan is June 26 at 7:30 am, and I get the results on July 3. (In the past, I would get my results the following day. I guess my charm ran out.) This last round was more physically and emotionally draining than ever. Treatment began at 1 pm May 28 and went until 1:30 pm (I ended it an hour early) on May 30. It wasn't really all that bad, but then again, it hasn't been all that bad for a few months. It's the week and a half post-treatment that really kills. For example, during treatment I would lie awake (because the only things I really wanted to do were sleeping and nothing) and think about things like permanent treatment, disability and death. I didn't really do much of that this time.

This time, though, something strange happened. On Saturday, May 31, I started to feel physically the same way I felt at the end of October, barely 2 months post surgery. I had the same pain penalties I had while eating. I felt weaker than I would normally after treatment. Julie (formerly Rose), also had a strange feeling. She felt a certain way while I was in the hospital. She felt a particular kind of worry and anxiety associated specifically with the health of a loved one. So you could say that I regressed physically.

One thing that was not the same as it was in late October was my optimism. Chemotherapy wasn't the only thing that ended; my faith in it has ended as well. Completely. I don't believe in it anymore. I feel as though I went through torture for the last four months for nothing. For fucking nothing at all. Because for all the good that doctors and the medical establishment do, it seems to me that they only do what they know how to do, which, when faced with a life-threatening illness (or treatment, as it were), isn't all that much in the end. The feeling of complete faithlessness has somewhat relaxed a little with my recovery, but it is mostly still there. I know that it is possible that I may receive a clean bill of health, but this much is certain:

If I don't receive good news, and there is little change from February, then there is no way in hell that I will go through chemotherapy again. Not fucking happening.

The most obvious reason is that it is pure hell. However, findings show that not only does chemotherapy often does permanent damage to the body, but that when cancer cells survive the treatment, they become stronger. And I am supposed to put all my faith in this?

There are other ways of fighting cancer. It has mostly to do with diet, exercise and inner peace. I was too sick to return to work on Monday, June 2 (my dad's 74th birthday), but I was well enough (actually I wasn't, really) to take a trip downtown to Happy Tree Yoga, where they have free classes for cancer patients. I watched a bit of the class, had some chai, and spoke to the owner/chief instructor, Melanie. We talked about my physical and emotional situation, specifically my disillusionment. From what she told me about her yoga, it seemed to be exactly what I needed, particularly the respiration since one of my goals is to increase cellular respiration. I vowed to try it at least once. After all, I considered it alternative cancer therapy.

Another thing that I wanted to begin was to eat better. And I mean a lot better. This means snacking on nuts, seeds and dried fruits (which are delicious, in my opinion) to start. It also means figuring out practical ways to prepare good food, which for me is a challenge. Another aspect of this is the detoxification of the body through a mild detox that I picked up at Rachelle-Béry. The biggest parts of all this are 1) controlling inappropriate cravings late at night; 2) getting more sleep, although I appear to be fine without much of it; 3) starting something approaching the Budwig diet. This last is the most difficult of all, but the great thing about it is that there are may testimonials involving people far worse off than me.

That reminds me, I am probably not very sick at all. The mets were pretty small, almost as small as you could get. Hopefully the chemo actually did do some good, and at least kept the cancer from spreading so that the treatment I give myself won't have much work to do. I need to keep this in mind: I am "sick", but at least 1000 km on foot from death's door.

As I said, doctors only know how to do what they were trained to do, and are unwilling or unable to do more. But I would think that an oncologist would come across supplemental information about cancer treatment during his training that would include information about proper diet. But not once was I ever counselled about changing anything in my habits. Not once. Just treat funny side effects with some funny drugs and come back in two weeks for your next physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse. This is another reason why I can't believe in that stuff anymore.

This summer I hope to attend at least two conferences revolving around cancer for young adults (whose needs are unique compared to the more served cancer populations of children and the elderly). The first is next month sponsored by Young Adult Cancer Canada. Five fun-filled days in Jouvence, Quebec, about 2 hours from here. Julie is coming, too, but we can't sleep in the same bed. I find that quaint. The second is sponsored by my favourite cancer support group, Cansupport/Faire Face, which is August 15-17 at Camp Maromac. This should be AWESOME. All services provided, and expenses paid, with good friends. I actually met everyone at last year's retreat, three weeks after my surgery. Physically I should not have gone, but emotionally, I needed to go. I am glad that I did.

So that's a summary of the past little while. The changes in me are subtle. I can't say that things have changed a hell of a lot in the last month, but there have been some changes. It remains to be seen how profound these changes are. And now that my blog is up and running again, I will be able to talk about this more, as well as other things, including the odd racial entry.

Until next time...

Return

2008-06-10T10:10:52Z

I have been away for two reasons. One, I have been busy with work (more on that later) and chemotherapy (more on that later). Secondly, I couldn't have blogged even if I wanted to, which I did. There were technical problems that prevented me from entering information in the text box. Stupid, no? What's worse is that it was all caused because I didn't include the "www" in the login URL. Thanks, MT.

What I intend to do for the time being is to show you some pictures that I have taken over the last little while. I will expand on the topics I broached later. This week, hopefully. In the meantime, check out some photos from a recent trip to the Botanical Gardens.

Yap, yap, yap

2008-06-10T01:51:29Z

I hate these damn dogs. There, I said it.