Hope
On this first day of 2010, it seems appropriate to first review 2009. Let us begin.
I started the year waiting around for doctors and staff to return from their holidays so that I could get a PET scan scheduled. My chemotherapy had failed, and we were considering other options. This waiting period would last until March, when I finally did 2 weeks of radiation for the first time. I also started acupuncture soon afterwards. Both of these things made me feel physically good for a good number of months.
When I returned to work in April, I had absolutely nothing to do. Any project that I had been working on had be restaffed, and the company had not signed any news contracts this year. (Apparently that wouldn't happen until September.) I basically twiddled my thumbs for 2 months, and pretty much asked for a mutually beneficial release. I got my wish on June 10.
I then spent the next month doing work for the Cedars Cancer Institute, and then I filmed a documentary which I have spoken extensively about.
And part of this year was spent facing death in other young adults with cancer.
Upon return, I landed a nice job as a producer in a video game environment. At this point things started to unravel. For various reasons, including my own stupidity, my relationship of six years ended. It was probably tougher than cancer emotionally; I am not kidding. I have never gone through anything like that before, and while I believe it was necessary, I still wouldn't wish that kind of pain (giving or receiving) on just anyone. Shortly thereafter, my health began to deteriorate. Tumours blew up and affected my neck, abdomen and back to the point where normal sleep was impossible and morphine was daily. I also had pneumonia and some sort of flu, although not the H1N1. This fall has been the most painful I have ever had, physically and otherwise. This, plus business reasons caused me to be laid off on the last day of my probation. Something which wasn't handled with the best of care, but was a blessing in disguise in any case.
It was at this time where I began to really look at the future differently. (By the way, the linked entry seemed to get me fast-tracked into a therapy program. They thought that I definitely needed to be seeing someone, and I began to. After some initial hiccups, things seemed to be getting pretty good there.) And since that time, I haven't focused on anything except the next 2 years, especially the next 3-4 months. I think I have actually begun to expect not to live for too much longer. You have call it giving up, I just call it facing facts. Now it's about doing more with less instead of fighting against fate.
But there is a part of this attitude that really is about despair. People tell you not to give up. They say that there is always hope. And these things really begin to sound like annoying platitudes after a while. When your tolerance for bullshit (I call cancer and all the bad stuff with it bullshit) drops off to ε, despair inevitably creeps in.
Sickness leads to suffering, and when we suffer, we often look for inspiration and hope in others. That's why success stories are so important, no matter how far out there they are. They help people cope. And as it turns out, the young father I mentioned says that he depends on me, because without me, he would lose some hope for his own case, and he needs every bit of it he can get. And some of the people in my young adult community also depend on me, because the respect they have for me makes me be a focal point for their own hopes. Even though my story is not a successful one in terms of having beaten cancer, there is quite a bit of hope out there there it will be, because if I can succeed, then they can as well. At the risk of sounding corny, we are all connected.
So for 2010, my real resolution would be to not give up, because people actually depend on me. I had nearly lost my reason to fight fate. I wish for myself the strength and will to continue, the inspiration to forge a new path and the wisdom to know what things are worth my time and which things are not. A tall order for anyone, but easily faced (if not achieved) when your back is against the wall.
For those that have supported me all this time, I can't thank you enough. I will continue to inspire and assist as much as I can in 2010. May it be a healthy and transformative 2010.
To a healthy and transformative 2010.
I don't always comment but I'm always there reading. So please keep writing.
You always comment when it's important, Martine.
Thinking of you Alston.
Yes, Alston. You are an inspiration.
It seems that 2009 got more and more difficult for many of us as the year progressed coming to a head at the end. Here's to hoping that we all get better at coping with what life throws at us.
Like Martine, I haven't commented much, but I have been reading and hoping that things get better and easier for you.
Alston,
You have found your way in this bullshit as you call it to be an inspiration, a voice for all young adults with cancer. The truth you write is difficult to hear but reading it encourages me to seek the truth in my life as well. So thank you for sharing your brutal honesty within yourself. I do wish you a more peaceful 2010. ( a miracle would be really nice too :)
Jenn Bos
Amen. Wishing you peace and strength in 2010 to keep that hope flame burning.
I think you will realize that a lot of us also depend on you for things you never even thought we might need from you. Case in point, I had once commented to a friend about my favourite about you: "I always know I'll hear the truth from Alston." That's what *I* depend on.
You are not only a very gifted, succinct, and readable writer Alston, but you have a beautiful heart...thanks for allowing it to come out through your honest posts. Reading the comments of people above it's clear that you're not here for just any reason and that you are used to impact so many people. Corny or not, it's true - we ARE all connected! So glad to be connected to you. Mikey and I think of you so often - you are such a heavy presence in our hearts and we love you man. :) Peace is a great word for you in this new year...praying to that end!
Bonnie,
Thank you for your kindness and warmth throughout this past months. As I discussed with Mikey earlier today, you two have made a major impact on my life as well.
Nothing corny about connectedness. We all depend on one another.
To a healthy and transformative 2010!