February 2008 Archives

You know what people around here call the funny bone? If they call it anything, they say "le funny bone". I think that's a little funny. Here's something that's a little fucked. Try translating this at Reverso.net and see what you get.

Aux francophones et francophiles: Avez-vous déjà entendu cette "expression", ou est-ce que Reverso.net est juste "fucké"?

I wish I weren't alone today
I wish I were okay
But if you were here with me
I wouldn't know what to say

Still I wish I weren't alone today
But writing this has helped
I have a couple hours left
For killing cancer's whelps

Addendum: I know it says that I am all alone today, but I'm not really. There are many people wishing me well, this I know. I still draw strength from you.

In case you forgot, I started more chemo two days ago, and it ends this afternoon. This afternoon can't come fast enough, though.

One of the most obvious criticisms of the Canadian health care system (and Quebec system, and it pains me that I have to separate the two) is that it can take months to get important appointments such as checkups, scans and surgeries. But since being diagnosed with cancer, I haven't had to wait at all for anything, really. For example, I spoke to Suj last April and got an appointment with a GI on May 3. It took about two weeks. On May 4, I spoke to my surgeon. On around May 14, I had a diagnostic laparoscopy. On June 7, I started chemotherapy. When I got an infected blood clot, I was almost immediately sent to a room in the hospital. My surgery was scheduled only three weeks in advance. Post-operative care has been within three weeks whenever I needed it, and often much sooner than that. This latest round, my appointment with the oncologist was within two weeks, and my chemo (which is tomorrow) was scheduled within a week of that. Easy.

People say that those who get treatment as good or better than mine are considered or assumed to be privileged, as in rich; they get what they need when they need it. Everyone else can go to hell, it seems. First of all, who is everyone else? Am I privileged because I am close to a major Canadian health centre? Is that it? I think that's partially the reason, certainly. Someone in Kuujjuaq probably wouldn't have the same care as someone here, certainly. But what else sets me apart? Am I privileged even for those within a short driving distance of a major Canadian health centre? Are there people in Scarborough or Pointe St-Charles that have to wait and wait for weeks and months for care, while I have to just call or walk into the hospital and get what I want, sometimes even before I want it? Maybe the staff just likes me, I don't know. I think I get along pretty well with nurses, actually.

Can anyone comment on these phenomena? Who is not getting served properly in Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver, etc.? I know that I had an advantage at the very beginning getting into the system, and perhaps that made ALL the difference. I was able to get referred into the system, possibly because I knew someone. I can't say for sure if that's true or not, but it may be true. I was examined by this specialist. But I don't think that that explains the treatment I have received since then.

Spoke with the oncologist today. They have decided to give me the FOLFIRI protocol, which is MUCH less brutal than the TCF protocol that I had before. Instead of spending the day in the hospital, I will spend 2 hours hooked up. Instead of a large fanny pack with 500 mL of 5FU over 5 days, I will have much less of it in a smaller non-mechanical delivery system (it's quite ingenious) over less than 2 days. I expect to be at work the whole time. One funny side effect is that men often lose their head hair, but not their facial hair. Maybe I sport a Shaft look. Or maybe I should not exacerbate the Mandingo stereotype, which is pretty much what Shaft does in my opinion.

I told the doctor and the nurse that since I am in much better mental and emotional condition that I could likely withstand a stronger protocol this time around. They decided to give me something moderate rather than extreme because I reacted so poorly last time around. I hope that they are not making a mistake by giving me something that is weak because I was such a baby last time. (Well, it WAS pretty fucking brutal. It was.) I don't see why we should prolong this any longer than it needs to be prolonged.

There is another patient about my age with the exact same situation. Same cancer, same surgery, same surgeon, same protocol. His mental space was apparently worse than mine. He is also saying that he doesn't think that he can continue with the chemotherapy. He's exactly where I was at the beginning of December, but there is a difference. He's had a very negative attitude throughout the whole ordeal. He also had some complications from surgery, but by and large, our experiences have been identical. I am told, though, that the difference between him and me is that my attitude has been, over all, much better than his, but specifically it's because he's never really lived on his own, nor was he raised to do this.

I find this interesting. Does this mean that those that left home earlier are generally better able to deal with adversity of pretty much any kind? I left home to go to university when I was 17 and have only lived at home during the summers between school years. Further, I instilled in myself the expectation that I would go to university and take care of my own affairs. Maybe I would be in the other guy's position now if things had been different. He's apparently more depressed and scared than I am. He's frightened, actually. I wish I could help him. There has been lots of talk about how coddled young people are. Maybe it's true. I mean, I suppose since everyone is going to university, they are living at home longer and longer, but what effect is this having?

On another, scarier front, it seems that my superpowers are quickly evaporating. Ugh...

Introducing the Booze Bra.

I read Racialicious every day. This is an American site that discusses "America's obsession with race". I really enjoy the discussions about the mass perceptions about large groups of people. I enjoy the fact that someone doesn't actually believe that we are past racism, and that they are not sick of talking about it because it still affects them. To sum up why race discussions are still relevant, I'll quote Lauren Williams of Stereohyped:

I don’t want people to be blind to the fact that I’m black. I just don’t want to be treated unfairly because of it.

I read about all of this stuff but I wonder: I don't live the lives of these black posters. Sometimes I don't think I even compare to the blacks in Montreal, or Toronto if you want to go with an English-to-English comparison. My race is, on the surface, unimportant to those that know and work with me. Sure, there are regular instances of "otherness", which I have been meaning to write about for some time, but by and large, it seems quite different from these Americans. I should correspond with them more directly about them and why I don't always feel qualified to compare myself to them.

Related to this, I think about my own privilege in society. Apparently I wield immeasurable social power because I am a man, even if I am black. I was quite happy to find the following meme that I got from the blogger Tami. Let's see just how privileged I am.

Imagine that your sister, girlfriend or whatever goes missing for years. Then one fine day you get a call from police in another province that your relative is alive and healthy. And then the bizarre and twisted set of feelings when you realize that this woman has stolen the identity of your missing relative in order to gain entry to Ivy-League schools. I'd want blood.

Here's an extraordinary story about a man that overcame not only an excess 400 pounds and all the physical problems with it, but emotional hell from a tragic childhood and adolescence. The pictures are shocking.

On the other hand, there's this. I can't verify anything since I don't have sound here, but if this is real, it's awful. I wonder if this girl has Prader-Willi syndrome, as suggested in the comments.

Another skin product for white people and misguided racial minorities. I mean, really, why do this unless you're in porn? (I'm just assuming the porn people do this, but I have no idea.)

Sometimes I make an entry and then forget about my blog completely. Rose and I spent the day together, and I wasn't near a computer at all. Now it's nearly 1 am Monday morning and I am just checking my comments section.

I am overwhelmed.

I didn't expect this kind of outpouring. I won't go into the things that I was thinking about ten minutes ago, lying awake in bed, but I will say this: your thoughts and emotions have reinforced my resolve tenfold. I feel stronger than I have in weeks, even months. I feel as though I can do anything now. Even beat cancer once and for all. Or not. If it comes back again and again, I feel as though I could deal with that, too, as long as you are all behind me.

I've heard that bloggers are selfish and pompous exhibitionists, full of themselves. I've always known differently, but I've never felt it this much. If it weren't for blogging, and Yulblog in particular, I might be feeling very different right now. I won't forget all the things you've already done for me these past months.

And Rose, you're the most important non-blogging blogger there is. Don't think that I don't know that. I definitely do.

So I will continue, bravely and defiantly. This won't break me. It will not. There are times when spite is your best friend.

Thanks, everyone.

CT scan obtained for attenuation correction and localization purposes. images generated from the base of the skull to the proximal thighs.

The patient is S/P gastric pull-up surgery for esophageal carcinoma.

There is an intensely hypermetabolic 1.7 cm focus with an SUV of 11.7 nestled between the pancreas and the clips anterior to the abdominal aorta, inferior to the origin of the celiac axis, indicating a new metastatic lesion. There is also a more poorly defined focus superior to the origin of the celiac axis at the surgical clips at frame 110 with a maximal SUV of 4.4. It is uncertain whether this latter focus represents neoplastic disease or possibly only inflammatory changes.

Within the mediastinum however, there is also a new 1.6 cm intense lesion with a maximal SUV of 9.7. This node, in the right prevascular space anterior to the SVC at frame 73, would also represent distal neoplastic spread.

Elsewhere, there are no other FDG avid lesions to indicate additional potential sites of hypermetabolic neoplasm. Specifically, the lungs, liver and bones are free of FDG avid lesions.

IMPRESSION:

Mediastinal hypermetabolic metastasis. Additional metastatic lesion inferior to the origin of the celiac axis. Inflammatory or neoplastic changes more superiorly as detailed above.