January 2008 Archives

Tomorrow is my supposedly final scan that will determine if there is still cancer in my body, and a meeting with my surgeon Friday, so I assume that they will hurry up and get the results to me by then. I woke up today with a restrictive feeling in my throat. Experience tells me that eating would be painful right now, so I think that I will forget about that this morning.

I fully expect that I will receive news that I have a massive regrowth of the tumour, or at the very least, they will find trace amounts of what could be cancer, and so the best course of action would be to impose another scorched earth policy on my body. I feel that this is the best thing that awaits me. Which of course means more missed work, more depression causing more stress at home, etc.

I find a lame symbolism in today's rain.

Frankies...I just made that up. Never heard anyone refer to francophones that way, but I think it's cute. Then again, I suppose to wouldn't like to be called a cute darkie. Anyway...

I like to help French people perfect their English if they ask for the help or otherwise indicate that my intervention would not be poorly received. A member of my team has done just this. But I can't help him. Here's the thing: he always pronounces the final "-ed" of verbs in the past tense as a separate syllable even though this isn't always done. For example, "fixed" is considered (AFAIK) one syllable, as is "talked", but "started" has two syllables. What's the rule about that? If the verb ends in a "t", then it's two syllables, otherwise it's one? For the record, he says "fix ed". He needs a simple rule. If you know what it is, please let me know.

via my favourite blog, Racialicious: A Chinese blogger has been beaten to death over his filming of city administration officials clashing with citizen protesters. I try to imagine Montreal city administrators acting as paid thugs, beating anyone that won't follow rules, or those that try to expose their violence, but I can't. I can't understand exactly why things like that don't generally happen here, while in China this particular kind of thing barely makes the news anymore (except when someone dies, I guess, and soon maybe that will mean nothing.). What do we have that they do not? Are the people just so unruly that violence is the only thing they understand? Are the rulers just that corrupt? Are there so many people that it is hard to care about any of them? And couldn't they have stopped themselves from killing the poor guy? Wouldn't destroying his cell phone have been enough?

A father has allegedly thrown his four children off a bridge after a fight with his wife. What kills me is...well the obvious. But even more, good ol' CNN has this link to video that I won't watch for various reasons on that page that says, "watch the mother grieve". Watch the mother grieve?? Like it's some show for entertainment! Two of this 23-year-old woman's kids are dead and the 2 others are likely to be presumed dead soon. Come watch this woman life fall apart! Fucking scum.

Critiquing Gloria Steinem:

The roots of racism and sexism are the same -- the desire to maintain power and privilege for some at the expense of everyone else . Our only hope of addressing EITHER racism or sexism is to address them BOTH together. Rooting racism AND sexism from every facet of our social, economic and political institutions and practices to create a better America is far more worthwhile than debating which form of oppression is faring worse.

Word. What a hornet's nest of race and gender the US is. I wish I could get more information about Canada, though. I'd start up a Racialicious Canada blog if I knew the right things, people and where to start. So far, race has never been an issue as far as federal elections go AFAIK.

Diversity and affirmative action—two things that many people are just sick of hearing about—could have a real economic reason to exist. Scott Page suggests that diversity means increased productivity because people with different backgrounds come up with different kinds of solutions to problems. Teams of diverse people get stuck in different places, and in each of these places, there are people to help overcome the problem. Teams of people with the same background all tend to get stuck in fewer places, with a smaller chance of solving the problem. Diversity in this article refers to what you bring to the table in terms of how you are productive, but Page suggests that culture, ethnicity, gender and education are the main sources of what people bring to the table.

There is a reason that this type of thing does not happen here, but, according to the media, happens in Africa with astonishing regularity. But I don't know what that reason is. Do you?

My other blog, Cheeseorgy, will be ceasing production of new content immediately. It will remain where it is for the moment as pure archives, although I may delete it altogether and import its entries here. Not sure yet. Future entries that would have gone there will go here instead.

I am looking to make some extra money on the side this year, and am open to different suggestions. If you have anything interesting, please let me know.

I am posting this blind, without reading it. It comes from my surgeon's secretary, who is very spiritually oriented.

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think of only the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Misfortune lies in our perception of things, not in the things themselves. Never complain, no matter what you have to endure. Whining merely tests other people’s patience. But courage in the face of adversity wins universal admiration.

UPDATE: Ok, I finally read it. I used to be much better at these things, but maybe I had never really been tested. I agree with all of these things in principle, but principles are nothing without practice. (That reminds me, I need to eat much better than I have been. The time to eat anything I want just to gain calories is over.)

I have my PET scan on January 31 at 1:30. MGH, D5129.

I really hope that there is a positive result.

I feel something strange where the tumour was. I shouldn't feel anything there. It could be reflux or something, but I dunno. I need January 31 to come quickly.

I was just thinking, for no particular reason, because I am so random, about a few incidents at my old job from 2004. There was this woman consultant working there that gave a couple of training sessions. I was absolutely blown away by her sheer competence in technical knowledge and especially communication, her confidence and her pure professionalism. She could put most Toastmasters to shame. I wished that all consultants and other employees could be more like her, especially myself. I expressed this to a couple of coworkers. I would say, "Wow, what a professional." You could say that I had a professional crush on her.

This got back to a couple of other employees, who complained to my (female) boss about inappropriate comments about female coworkers. Possibly because the professional comments weren't the only ones I made. Once in a while I might remark on what someone was wearing, saying that it looked great and wondering where I might find something like that for Rose. If it was a guy, I'd do the same thing except I might wonder where I could find something for me, obviously. In any case, I was very respectful no matter who I was dealing with. Regardless, I received two formal warnings about my comments. When I asked for examples of my inappropriate comments, the "professional" thing came up. Why is calling a woman a real pro an insult? Is it like calling a black man articulate, as though it were so unexpected? Or is there an underlying hidden meaning that I wasn't aware of? Perhaps people took it as me calling her a professional whore. Maybe, but it was never explained to me. No one ever came to me to discuss what I said. I never got the chance to defend myself or explain myself. And they cherry-picked incidents instead and looking at the way I also treated everyone, which was fair and with respect. None of the men considered that I was sexually harassing them when I said that I really liked their new shirt.

Another complaint was that I would not praise other women (specifically women) for their professional behaviour. The truth was, I would occasionally say that I liked what they did, but generally speaking, nothing they did was all that spectacular. Darlene the professional was simply much better than just about all of the men and women that worked there. So I wouldn't praise their worksite virtues because there wasn't that much to praise. The ones that complained about me were marketing women, the very marketing women that inspired me to write this hate-filled entry. I can't dismiss the possibility that Darlene was as good or better-looking (in one case MUCH better looking) than these marketing women, and that this caused some kind of bitterness. Or, if I were a man that appealed to them sexually, I strongly doubt that there would have been complaints.

So the idea was that I was a sexist pig. I can see how getting the shaft like I did might turn someone into a sexist pig if they weren't one before. I have not been confronted with allegations like these since that day, and I treat all men and women with the same respect.

On January 9, 1998, downtown Montreal, that by many to be largely immune to the devastating icy retrograde existence of the rest of Western Quebec, Eastern Ontario and Northern New York, succumbed to the darkness. Let me tell you about it.

I was working at a crappy telemarketing firm (which led to a crappy sales career, but I digress). January 9 was a Friday. I knew that I had to work that day even though things were getting chaotic from this storm, because the managers were bastards. I did not expect, though, that we would be let go at noon that day. That was a blessing.

The company was in the Alexis-Nihon corporate tower and I lived on Pine and Clark, so it was one 15-minute bus ride home. I started walking on Atwater to Sherbrooke instead of waiting at de Maisonneuve, just for kicks, I suppose. At the time, there was a tall tree behind a bus shelter. Outside the shelter, an old woman was standing with her umbrella. All trees were incredibly and depressingly laden with very heavy ice; the larger the tree, the greater the amount of ice.This tree might have been forty feet tall under normal circumstances, but this day it was bent over so painfully and so much that it lost about ten to fifteen feet in height. It was straining with the added weight of ice. You really thought of these trees as overworked beasts of burden, or like the slaves that carried the rocks to build the pyramids.

I received a chain letter saying that we should support our troops. The idea is that they put their lives on the line in order that the rest of us continue to enjoy the freedoms that we have. We should respect that, I think, but what if all the fighting and dying they do does NOT ensure our freedoms, or anything else that actually has to do with Canadian freedom (or American, or whatever)? What if the things we have and will have are the results of diplomacy, secret business dealings or other things that the average Canadian does not or more likely, cannot get involved in? What if the fighting and killing is just a diversion while the real stuff happens behind closed doors?

What if our troops risk their lives for nothing? What if their sacrifice does nothing?

This is why I have never fully been able to get behind the military. I despair that they and the rest of us are being lied to. Do we know for sure that the peacekeeping efforts are actually having positive results for Canadians or whoever they are supposed to protect? It's not that I don't trust the military, necessarily. Most of the people there believe (I assume) in an ideal. In what they are supposed to be fighting for, the good fight. But their leaders? The politicians? Who knows what their motivations are? I certainly do not.

I am going to send this entry to the one that sent me that chain letter and see how they react.

What the hell does "X is better than Y" mean when X and Y are people and there are no other quantifiers? Because as far as I know, it means nothing.

Here are the results of an emotional intelligence test that I took at Queendom.com. Take this test here. I'd be interested to know how I compare to others. I think that I would have scored a bit higher in the past, which is a bit sad.

Our Emotional Intelligence Test consists of two parts; a self-report portion and an ability portion. The test assesses your capacity to: recognize your own emotions and those of others; understand how best to motivate yourself; become close to others; and manage your own feelings and those of others.

You had an average score on this assessment (115 overall), indicating that both your self-report and ability scores were in the mid-range. (I don't think I like being average. They might as well call me a fuckwit.) You appear to generally be able to accurately recognize the emotions of others, manage your own feelings and know how best to approach others in an empathetic manner. Moreover, you accurately perceive your abilities in this area. This is key to improving your abilities even more, as knowing your strengths and problem areas can help you know which areas you need to concentrate on.

I've said it before, but fuck that company, or at least fuck their Powershit Elph series. (The "shit" was a typo, but I think I'll leave it.)

Eight months ago I bought a Powershit Elph SD750. I really liked this camera. A month ago it simply stopped working. I sent it immediately to get repaired (Future Shop, the place I bought it, told me where to go, especially since I went there looking for help without having the receipt). They said it would take a few days to get back to me with an estimate. It took a month. Apparently my camera blew up all their fuses. They tried everything and determined that the main circuit board was toast. No apparent reason. The cost to repair? $240 plus tax.

Well, fuck that noise. Look at this. And fuck that, too.

That's two Elphs that have died on me after a short period of time. I will never buy another. Fuck am I ever pissed off.

Sometimes is feels as though either I don't live in the real world, or this "real world" isn't real at all. For example, it seems as though it's accepted that most women fake orgasms sometimes for various reasons (I admit, I don't care about the reasons since I hate the idea of this kind of deceit, and perhaps I may be wrong for this view), or that it's all up to the man to bring the woman to orgasm (I've never felt responsible for a woman's orgasm, actually. When it's happened, I always thought that she did a good job.). But yet whenever I ask a woman if she's ever faked, I always get the same answer. "No, NEVER! Because that's bullshit!". Are most of these women that I know lying? It's possible. Just because you are friendly with someone (or sleeping with them, apparently) doesn't mean that they won't lie to you. People are probably more likely to lie to you if you are sleeping with them, in fact. You can debate that one in the comments.

There are other examples of this, of many groups of people saying things about a particular group that most other groups seems to just know, yet when I ask a member of said group to admit that they exhibit those characteristics, or that behaviour, no one will admit it. And the behaviour isn't necessarily shameful, especially since it is talked about so freely. I wish I could think of more examples where I ask members of the discussed group if they do the things they are accused of and they all deny it, but I can't. I've forgotten. (I'm at work right now, and I get distracted.) I suppose that I could use the example of black people committing crimes, or being surprisingly articulate, but those are topics that are highly charged, maybe even loaded (if someone could give me a good definition of what a "loaded" topic or question is, that would be appreciated. Like so many things, you think you might know what something is, but you are slightly or way off.). I'm talking about something more vanilla, not hot topics that make people emotional and irate, but little things.

Perhaps that's where you can come in. I can't think of any more of these little things at the moment, but maybe you can. And if you are a woman, do you every fake it?

Only two things really happened to me this year. I made a career transition, and it went even better than I thought it could. Video game project management? That's pretty crazy. I got a copy of my game and showed it to my family. I showed them my name in the credits and it was very gratifying. But as big as that was, it's nothing compared to the drama that started on May 3. It's hard to do a wrap up when your year is like this. I'll try. It's easier when you have an archived blog.

January: I thought 2006 was bad. I was disappointed and worried about not getting a job offer, but it all worked out in the end.

February: More high hopes that were later dashed.