Well, it's been a while since I have said anything. A few things have happened since I last blogged. One, I went to a retreat for cancer patients and survivors last weekend where I ended up being the only guy. Two, I since have pretty much lost my voice to a very bad cough caused by something that has to do with the operation. But last things last. Last night I was in more pain than I have ever been in my life.
As you know, I am supposed to be eating small portions about six times a day. But sometimes when you eat and it causes pain, you shy away from food. I think it's normal, even though it isn't good. This is what happened yesterday morning when I decided to eat some Quaker oats (apple and cinnamon). As a rule, I have this with milk and not water, but since milk and I haven't been getting along that well, I decided to use half milk and half water as some sort of compromise. We're talking half a CUP of milk. I might as well have had a litre. It was painful, but not that bad. I lay down for an hour or so, and then I was fine. But I didn't eat again until 9 pm.
I was really in the mood for onion rings, which, by themselves should not do anything. A normal serving of onion rings isn't that filling, and the rings themselves don't do much damage. So I left to go to Le Roi du Smoked Meat (Montreal really should be a bilingual zone). Had I gone alone, I would have ordered the rings and taken them home. But Rose followed me, and for some silly reason I felt pressure to sit in the restaurant and order even more food. Suddenly I felt like having a bit of spaghetti on top of the rings. It would look weird if I just ordered onion rings, wouldn't it? Christ, what a mistake. I ordered a half portion of spaghetti (by whispering, since I can't talk) and the rings. I ate, slowly and methodically, and things seemed to be going well. But these things usually take some time for the drama to occur. In retrospect, if I was going to eat that stuff, I should have eaten what I could (barely half) and gotten the hell out of there back home ASAP. That way I could have my stomach spasms in the peace of my own home. But no, I was hopeful that I didn't have too much food and that after 20 minutes it would pass through my system to the point where I could stand up and walk home with no pain or extra effort.
What actually happened was that I waited, and 20 minutes later I was in so much pain that I could not even stand up straight. I forced myself to leave the restaurant, partially folded over like a lawn chair. When I left, I rushed across the street to a bench and sat there hoping that the pain would subside. But it only became worse. There was gas, probably a normal amount of gas in a space less than half the normal size. The gas was trapped and had to exit in its own time. I couldn't pass wind because I am constipated (I'm on narcotics for pain). After about 10 minutes I tried standing up just to see if I could walk. No go. We sat on that corner for what seemed like forever before I noticed a cab approaching. I gestured for Rose to hail it and we went home.
But of course, the challenge wasn't over. I have to climb two flights of stairs to get into my apartment, and it was at that moment that the pain actually increased (likely due to the activity). At this point I was whimpering and moaning loudly in agony. The gas was trying to rip itself out of my body. I needed to get to bed and fast. After finally making it there and squirming in bed for a while, it finally started escaping through my mouth. Such RELIEF!. (It tried going south only to find itself blocked, then it came back up north, you see. It's like traffic.) I even managed to speak to Rose a little before we drifted off to sleep.
It was awful. The worst physical experience of my life, possibly. But I wonder, though, if most others would have handled it differently. I hope I am not too much of a pansy, but goddamnit that was painful.
So here I am this morning, afraid to eat anything at all. I am coughing slightly, which causes me to double over with pain in my sides. Honestly, things wouldn't be anywhere near as annoying if this cough weren't there. I am on codeine syrup, supposedly good for coughing and pain at the same time. We'll see, I guess.
Wow. At least you knew it was gas, so the fear element was reduced. When you're in that much pain you don't need to be also terrified.
And yeah, it's hard to know when you're being a wimp. We fear being weak so much that we can't silence that little voice in our heads telling us that it's 'just pain, ignore it.' But the whole point of pain is that we can't ignore it.
Oof. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but again: Hang in there, Alston. It's a readjustment period and what a period it is. (hug)
Yikes. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I don't think you have to worry about how other people would handle the situation. Should be the last thing on your mind.
Somehow, you've managed to make me crave onion rings. That's really fucked up, man.
;-)
Hey, you are no wimp! I have given birth twice with no epidural and with back labour and to me, having a lot of gas that won't come out is pretty close on the pain scale. It is excruciating and probably more so for you given your condition. DO NOT EAT ONIONS while you are blocked! They always cause gas! Same for broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and green peppers to name a few. Pain bad. (like, duh) Anyways, I hope that you find something with which to nourish yourself. Perhaps a multivitamin would be good if the docs agree. There are other protein and meal replacement mixes that can be had with water or juice and not milk but provide some much needed nutrients. Ok, mother Andrea is done now. Just know that I am thinking of you.
Also cucumbers. I don't pay attention to this stuff myself, being an unsocialised mix of crude and unselfconscious, but cucumbers were verboten on my brother's no-fart list. As a waiter, he needed to be very conscious of anything that was likely to behave inelegantly in his insides.