This is an email I received from a good friend about yesterday's ride to work in Ottawa. An interesting commute? You could put it that way. Here is the description word for word. NB: He and the SHIFT key had a falling out many years back. SHIFT just seems to rub some people the wrong way, I guess.
get comfy.so i am driving to work today, 9am. nearing the end of my daily commute, there's a point where i need to get from the right lane to the left lane in order to hop into a left turning lane at an upcoming intersection.
it is a 'procedure' i've executed without incident every work day for the last 6.5 years; signal left, merge left with traffic, signal left again and hop into the turning lane wait for the turn signal and bingo bango bongo you're through the intersection. yes, it is a complicated procedure, but i'm quite a good driver.
historically, most drivers understand that sometimes, at intersections, people need to turn left. also, this is a particularly busy strip with heavy traffic in both directions, two lanes each. so it's not trivial at time but since 51% of all turns are left turns, drivers are generally pretty respectful.
generally, but not today.
cruising along at a whopping 25km/h, i initiate 'the procedure' in moderate traffic volume. signal. check the requisite blind spots, see an opening thrice my car length and merge.
almost.
i was about halfway across the lane and this pontiac mini sedan (we'll call it PMS) in the left lane didn't take kindly to the fact that i wanted to merge into an available space in front of them, so they accelerate... and lean on the horn. more horn. more horn... sitting right on my tail pipe. more horn.
i am now fully in the left lane thinking that by leaning on the horn as such, PMS was merely requesting that i acknowledge their kindness for not rear ending my car, so i did the respectful thing and wave (yes, mockingly and probably much longer than i should have, but f@!k i really do hate honking).
the honking then stops and I proceed to jump (now travelling a mind boggling 10km/h) left into the turning lane as we approach the intersection, where the light is red. *sigh* this has been the most interesting commute to work, to date.
game over, right? wrong.
PMS pulls up beside me on the right, she jumps out of her car lunges at the passenger door handle and gives it a yank. thankfully, PMS was outsmarted by the fact that vw has auto locking doors. which, natch, made me chuckle (and smirk knowingly). at her.
in my head, i am thanking vw's engineers in the autolock department and thinking, 'who the f@!k gets out of their car in traffic!?!'
someone who is in the mood to rip someone else a new a-hole, that's who.
she proceeds to stand there yapping something about accidents and asshole drivers. i think she was talking about me but i wasn't really paying attention. i was too busy telling her how annoying it was that her saliva was landing on my passenger side window whilst shouting at me and that if it doesn't rain soon, i'll need to go to the carwash. and, i hate the carwash about as much as i hate honking.
she was pissed. PMS wanted to fight me. she would've easily kicked my ass. she was tall, lean, late twenties and obviously a killing machine, so i couldn't doubt my instincts when they told me to stay in the car.
watching the rage-show, i was confounded with what the protocol might be in a world where vw doesn't implement autolocking doors: PMS coming at me like a spider monkey in the confined space of the cockpit of my golf while i am seat-belted into the driver's seat nursing an ankle with a torn ligament. am i allowed to grab a golf club and snooker her in the nose? (If it comes to that, absofuckinglutely. -Ed.) probably not, but that's what was on my mind while koko the monkey was apeshitting in the middle of the road.
in my state of pure calm (heart rate was about 160 at this point, i was scared shitless), i dance the dance. my flasher is still on so i point that out to her, then i tell her to get back in her car and bugger off back to the gym for more steroids and another 10 reps. then, for some reason, i thought it appropriate to do this gesture with my right hand (recently learned from mr di nero in Meet the Fockers) where i take my index and middle fingers point them each towards one of my eyes, pump a couple of times and then, using the same hand, point a single index finger at her.
now, i know what you're thinking. robert di nero used this gesture as "i'm watching you". that's not what i meant, so to dispel any confusion (in case she had seen Meet the Fockers in the last couple of weeks) i add, "watch where the f@!k you're going. get in your car."
i admit, at this point i was asking for it... but god dammit, i hate honking.
well, apparently she doesn't appreciate robert di nero but she complies, gets in her car, slams the door and guns it. the light is now green at the intersection and i figured this was yet another desperate cry for attention, this time in the form of an over dramatic exit.
game over, right? wrong.
as she was peeling away, the cars in the turning lane began to move forward and opened up a car length or two between my car and the truck ahead of me.
PMS sees this and proceeds to take a hard left into the turning lane in attempt to cut me off. i am still in disbelief at everything thus far and as such had not begun to move, so there really wasn't anything to worry about... for me, that is.
unfortunately, she hadn't noticed that the advance left turn light at the intersection had faded and the truck formerly in front of me was now stopped waiting for a break in traffic to hop across. somehow, after an impressive brake stand (and about 8 feet of screeching rubber), she managed to stop in time. inches from the back of that truck. i thought this move was a little careless on her part...
while PMS is indicating to me in her rear view mirror that she'd like to continue our 'discussion', the truck finally makes it through the intersection leaving PMS and me 1 & 2 in the turning lane waiting for the next advanced turn signal.
common sense still prevailing, i didn't agree that we needed to discuss this any futher (heart@180bpm, hands shaking. bowels liquefying. yup, i'm a real cool customer). at this point in the game, adding on the fact that she just about totalled her car a second time, i failed to see what could possibly be accomplished by a face-a-face other than a rearrange-ma-face.
luckily, it's alot easier to shake someone ahead of you than someone behind you.
turn signal lights green, PMS proceeds slowly through the intersection, obviously waiting for me. i stay close, letting her think i am heading through and once she is committed to the turn, i wheel around to the left in a u-turn and head back in the opposite direction.
today, i had to take the long way to work.
game over, right? hopefully.
i'm gonna run out to the parking lot periodically and see how many of my tires are slashed. i'll follow up anything of interest.
living to flight another day,
jones.
I love this line:
watching the rage-show, i was confounded with what the protocol might be in a world where vw doesn't implement autolocking doors: PMS coming at me like a spider monkey in the confined space of the cockpit of my golf