That is how I am feeling now after the dream I had two hours ago.
Longtime readers of the Scrawl may recall that I had a boss for four years that I called "Sylvie". He aggravated me to no end, yet I actually liked the guy, in the end. At that job, I was doing business development and lead generation (I should really edit this definition, because I am NOT marketing), as opposed to what I am doing now, which is purely sales. I haven't been doing lead gen since September 14, 2004, in fact. At Sylvie's company, ties were required except on Fridays. In the dream, all the executives were talking to major, and I mean MAJOR clients. Really important people. Sylvie was rushing around trying to ready the room for the day-long meeting that was to follow. I was there, not knowing what to do, dressed in a black T-shirt and pants, and unshaven. Sylvie was pissed off at me for some reason, and he had that look on his face that he used to have that pretty much said it all. The difference is that this time he said, out loud, but without looking at me:
"You are useless, and I don't know what you do around here. I wish you would just leave. You don't do anything!"I was so ashamed. No one looked at me or acknowledged me with their eyes, which I suppose was a blessing. However, that may have meant that I was truly beneath notice. Not even worth their scorn.
When I woke up this morning, I felt awful. I've never felt as ridiculous and inadequate in a job as today. I'm over it now, but the memory lingers. Even when I left, I was feeling low and sad. I wonder what it means. I wonder if it even has anything to do with my job. I mean, I'm thinking of making a move within the company to something resembling project management. Maybe I am afraid that I will fail. But I've never really been afraid of that. Maybe I'm afraid of failure in my relationships, romantic or otherwise. Hell, maybe it means that it will be a mild winter. Or that it was just a dream, nothing more. Normally I am inclined to believe this, but this dream was a little different than most.
Usually when a dream leaves an "after-taste" as it obviously did with you, it is significant in meaning, if only to alert you to be aware of something more on a conscious level. Sort of akin to when a friend makes a comment to you about yourself that leaves you ruminating...because it is true :)
I wouldn't interpret it as a fear of failure so much as a listlessnes of purpose, perhaps? Are you feeling like you are losing direction or...passion? Or another take (I LOVE dream interpretation!!) is that you are somewhere in body...going through the motions, but your heart isn't in it and you feel guilt over that.
I wish I could say that this had only been a dream for me, but I had a job just like this and the boss who spoke to me like that was my uncle.
Paolo: That fucking sucks. How is your relationship with this uncle now?
Sadia: You think so? That could have something to do with work then, but not really...