Formal Warning: Part II

That's my big sin. These are the "inappropriate comments" I made. I said them respectfully. I did not leer. I didn't so anything. But the problem is that they felt that I saw them as pretty objects and not competent workers. I havea problem with this. First, I do see them as competent workers (if I am aware of their work) and I compliment them on jobs well done. I have said many times things like "Thanks for that proposal", or "Good job on that white paper." More than once I have said, "If it weren't for Mary, I would not have been able to set up that meeting." But somehow, people forget those things.

I also compliment men on what they wear almost as much. It isn't unusual to hear me tell a guy that I like their shirt, tie, shoes or pants. I'll also ask where I can get my own. They don't seem threatened by me. Or maybe they do, and think I am gay.

I think the worst things about all this is that not a single one of these women ever came to me, or emailed me about any problems they had with me. They pretended to accept and even enjoy the compliments and proceeded to have nice conversations with me. Although I wouldn't say we were friends, we all seemed to enjoy one another's company. It was fine. And then they slink behind my back to deliver scathing reports of my sliminess. One of the reasons why this was done is because I apparently am "intimidating". As if I would leap across their desks and throttle them if they said anything to me. Now they can strike from the shadows like the fucking cowards they are. I also have to get told weeks and months after the incidents take place when I barely remember what happened if anything ever did. This, needless to say, severely impacts my ability to defend myself.

Someone pointed out to me that I may be the target of a campaign to get rid of me, because there are forces that do not like the way I am. I have strong reasons to believe that they are setting the company up to be sold, and they are doing everything in their power to make the company attractive to buyers. I may not fit into that plan. I am black with long hair, the dreaded dreads. I am not small, and I am, as my boss said, "colorful". I look "different" and act "different". Companies are notorious for firing because people don't fit in. Up until a few days ago, I thought I did. I now realize that this never was the case.

I resolved to not speak to any woman in the company unless spoken to, or unless I absolutely need to speak to them for work-related purposes. When I told my boss this, she started to say that I didn't need to go to such extremes, but I let her know that yes, in fact I do need to go to such extremes. I don't know what I did wrong, exactly, I can't face my accusers, or rather they can't face me, and if I fuck up again I WILL be fired. It isn't worth it to me to take that risk. After hearing that she said that it was best that I do so.

I will also be documenting the inappropriate things they say or do. Because trust me, they say or do anything they want to, especially the gay guy and his friends. For them, everything is about sex. I find it juvenile. I wasn't sensitive to it before, but I am sensitive to everything now. I am sensitive to women who make the jerk-off gesture, or talk about men in a derogatory manner, or all that stuff. And I will note every time it happens.

It's funny, but of all the things that I was written up for, this is something that I can't do much about. I can work longer hours, contribute more in discussions and all of that. But if people decide that they don't like me and don't want me around, then all they have to do is say that they don't want me around. Hell, if one of them decided that I sexually harassed them, then I did no matter how untrue it is. I could be out of the office the day they accuse me, and it would still stick.

My counterpart, Ned, has told by our boss that they want to hire two more people in our position by October. I think that they are building a documented body of evidence to justify my termination when it happens, and I believe that someone will be terminated either in October or November (I won't bother with those details). They are trying to show that they are tough on inappropriate people. it seems as though I understand nothing about people, about women.

Rose isn't terribly happy about her situation right now, but I told her that she is and has been for months in a better position that I am in. I have a job that pays well. I work in a company that I enjoyed working in until recently. But information I gathered showed me that this wouldn't last even two years. I could find a similar job, but I don't think I am that interested. I wasn't even interested in this one, to be honest, but I am glad I tried it. After the events of this week, I don't think I want this environment anymore after this job. But I have to figure out what I can do for a living that I like. Whatever it is, I have to be the one driving the plane. I have to be able to choose who I work with. I need to trust the people around me. I can't do that here anymore.

On the other hand, Rose is on the bottom right now, but she has support, and a clear path. She knows what she wants and needs to do. I can see down her path fairly clearly. I see nothing but a void in front of me.

I never expected to be a guy who "has a problem with women". It's never what I wanted, or anything. But I think I do have a problem with women in offices. I don't trust them anymore. When I meet a new one, I will assume that she will screw me over and misinterpret or twist up everything I say and do. It's for my own safety. If I am wrong, then I am ruined. The last thing I want or need is to be known as a sexual harasser.

Suj respects my choice of "look". I didn't even think I had a look. He thinks I am brave to wear my hair this way. I never thought so. I thought that since so many other men and women can do things with their hair, why can't I? It might be fun. I wonder if it would help if I cut my hair. Not that I would or anything, but I wonder.