The more people I meet, the more it seems that competitiveness is seen as a major character flaw, and as a competitive person, I think that this has the potential to be a bit of a problem.
For example, I play Ultimate Frisbee. So does a coworker. She said that the guys on her team give her a hard time because she doesn't take the game seriously, and doesn't really try very hard. It's not because she is out of shape, or that she doesn't know the rules, it's that she doesn't want to "play that way". This means that since she is there purely for the fun aspect of it, she won't try to make good plays. She putters around on the field and won't really try to get open to get the disc, won't really try to intercept it unless it is going to hit her. Her reasoning is that she has had enough of "that type" of play. Competitiveness only breeds bad or hurt feelings on at least one side, and she wants no part of this.
In other words, it seems to me as though there is no point in her playing competitively. Ultimate, or basketball, or soccer, is a competitive sport. If you don't want to compete, then don't play. For me, I want to do well in the sport I am playing, so I will try to do my job the best I can. That means defending the player like a fly on shit. Running circles around them on offense. Learning to read the disc properly to make a difficult catch. And when these things pay off and you make a good play, that's FUN. It's not just sports, either. I like to win and play well in video games, board games, anything. Winning isn't everything, it's not the only thing, but it is FUN when it happens. It's the most fun when you and your opponent play well, and in the end, even after a loss, if you play well, it's perfectly fine. At least at my level. Why is this such a hard thing to understand? I just want to do well.
But then the anti-competitive people say that it is very common that people do not know when to let the competition die. This is true; there are people who don't know when to let things die, I suppose. The example given on Saturday was given by my ex-roommate's cousin: "We'd be playing a sport and when we 'd lose, they'd start slamming back beers as fast as they can. They made drinking into a competition. And then they'd start fights. They didn't know when to stop."
I have a theory on that. Those guys were simply assholes. They drink a lot and got into fights because they were drunk and belligerent. This implies to me that they need to be less drunk and curb their jerk tendencies. I don't see that competitiveness has much to do with it if anything, but then again, maybe I'm just a competitive asshole. And some would say that I didn't need to say it twice. When I compete, I don't trash talk. I play fairly. I even help people out sometimes if I have a clear advantage. I have fun, generally, although I am not always satisfied with the results. For example, we lost 14-12 last week after having been up 4-0 and 8-5 earlier. That was simply a poor performance, and I hope to learn from what we did wrong to prevent it in the future. This is part of the game, part of competition, part of excelling at something you like. There isn't anything wrong with this. I wasn't pissed off, I wasn't yelling at people, I simply recognized that we threw that game away, and that was shitty.
But let's take this off the field and into the realm of interpersonal relationships. This is where open and overt competition takes on nastier aspects. This is where guys will form groups in high school and university to sleep with as many girls as they can, purely for the sake of competition. Because it is fun. Or girls (and some women who should know better, you'd think) will pretend to support their friend in the pursuit of some guy, but will immediately turn around and nab the guy as soon as their friend's back is turned. Sometimes not even then. I don't know why those women do those things. (Every time I think of these situations, I have to wonder where the hell the guy is. It's like he's just a toy on a shelf, with no mind of his own, oblivious to what is actually happening here. I'd like to talk to guys who have been in these situations.)
In the first situation, these guys are being competitive for the wrong reasons using the wrong methods. But it's as though these anti-competition people can't tell the difference between the friendly competition on the field or court and the destructive competition in the bar or school. And they really do say that one leads to the other. This is like saying that drinking Coke leads to snorting coke. In the second situation, again, I'd say that the so-called friend is simply a bitch, and probably an insecure one that has no problem consuming others to fill their need to be wanted or whatever.
The guy who made the comment about the guys pounding drinks back has not had sex in three years. He's a very good-looking and easy-going guy. Well-read, too, and socially clever. But no action. No relationships, not even a date. Why? Because he is not competitive. Saturday night was his first date in years, and he happened to get pretty lucky the night before by using a genuine line in a bar. (Good for him, by the way. I hope it works out.) I understand that being too competitive is bad in these situations, and no one is worth making a fool of or demeaning yourself for. But three years? Well, at least he didn't bitch about it (to me). His cousin on the other hand, who is an entry to himself, is a 28-year-old virgin because unless it is a video game, he will not compete in anything, even with or for himself.
It just occurred to me that perhaps the non-competitive types are speaking out now more than before because their points of view will be tolerated now, whereas in years past, it wasn't. People were competing for marks in class (although I don't really see it that way, it's not as though the public school system only grants five A's per course, and you have to fight to get it), then they competed for jobs. If you weren't out there being interactive, social and part of the team (and this includes competition) then there was no place for you, and no, we don't want to hear your bitching. But now, with the Internet and a general dissatifaction with things, non-competitive people are voicing their opinions. Good for them, I guess.
Competition is exactly like everything else in life. It's great for everyone if you can channel it in an appropriate way. It isn't for everyone, I understand, but 1) if it isn't for you, stay away so that those that like it can enjoy it; 2) those that enjoy it are as normal and fine as anyone else. We aren't crazy.
Only inappropriate competitiveness is a character flaw. As with anything, being unbalanced - either too competitive or not competitive enough - is the true weakness. Your example of people who practice "competitive dating" is an example of inappropriate competitiveness. Whereas using your competitive nature to get up the courage to ask a girl out before some other guy does is appropriate. There is nothing wrong with your co-worker not wanting to play competitively, but she should play on a team with other people who are like-minded. Every team has its own character where competition is concerned and it's important to hook up with a team whose goals are the same as yours.
I probably consider myself to be below the mid-way point on the competitive scale, but I don't see people who are more competitive than I am as having a character flaw. I just think that overly competitive people(those who will make a competition out of anything) are trying to compensate for feelings of inadequacy in some other aspect of their life. Or that they need the constant affirmation of winning to boost their self-worth.
I agree, but I feel as though what is considered inappropriate or over the top is approaching the mid-way scale in terms of competitiveness, which pretty much implies to me that my behaviour is inappropriate in their eyes. And even the ones that make a competition out of everything aren't necessarily bad (they easily could be), but they may be tiring depending on how they compete.
Yes, the scale itself is a matter of perspective. What I would call a "10" in terms of competitiveness, you might consider to be closer to the middle of the road.
The pendulum is definitely swinging in the direction of non-competitiveness right now (is that good? bad? irrelevant?). One only has to look at how childrens' sports is being played for examples - not keeping score, capping scores, emphasizing fair play over competitiveness, etc. Some of it could be explained as a "backlash" against a perception that world is much too competitive as it is.
But I guess that all depends on how you define your scale and where you sit on that scale. No judgement here - just perspective.
You play ultimate frisbee? I'd LOVE to have a go at that...