How often do you fantasize about having everything you want in life, or having things work out for once?
Every few months I take about 30 minutes and really live inside my head, imagining that I have come into a huge amount of money (like, millions and millions of dollars).
First, there's the psycho-euphoria of actually having all of that money. If it were me, I wouldn't even be able to see straight during those minutes. My head would almost be spinning off my shoulders. I'd shamelessly scream and laugh like a madman, then quickly try to be quiet (if in public). I wouldn't be able to contain the excitement, though; I'd have a Joker grin on my face until my face muscles were sore. I'd stifle back mad laughter.
Afterwards, after I actually receive the money, I would start spending and giving. I once promised an ex of mine (a friend, really) that if I were to ever come into a huge amount of money, that she would automatically get $20000. I would, of course, quit my job, assuming I had one, and start travelling. I'd visit Alexandra, and Vic, and Victoria in London, and Arianna, and all kinds of places. Then I would consider buying real estate (although I doubt I would anytime soon) and a car (although I'd rather carpool).
I recently let myself think that I was that close to a large (though not huge) chunk of change. And I started to plan. I thought about how I would factor Rose into things. $25000 for her education and living expenses for the next few months should take care of that. Where would we go first? Maybe some little trips in the vicinity and then overseas. St Vincent would definitely have to happen. But what if I want to travel alone and do things like that for a spell? Perhaps I wouldn't finance her immediately. Or maybe she'd be in school full time anyway, so she wouldn't be able to travel that much rightg away.
The very first thing I would do is erase my student debt and credit card debts. Done. I might move right away, but that might be a pain in the ass. And the car thing, well, because of certain difficulties, I might have to hold off on that. And I would still rather have more than one adult use the car anyway (I doubt Rose would drive, she has said that she wouldn't really like to drive in the city). Maybe I'd buy a cell phone with a camera built in, so that I could be a moblogger.
With money, I could possibly be the Real Man I've wanted to be. An Adult, and not some loser kid. Don't get me wrong; I am not full of self-esteem issues and so on. I feel quite fine, normally. But I thought I was so close to changing everything, and now I feel...disappointed in myself, stupid, naive and...like a bit of a loser. And I know damn well I shouldn't. I know this, but this isn't helping at the moment.
This would have brought brought a whole new set of problems anyway. I would have to learn about money, and making it grow. Because when you have nothing, there is nothing to grow, but when you do have it, you have to make sure it doesn't run out. You have to invest in stocks, start a business, be a venture capitalist or something. And you worry that it will disappear. But that isn't the real problem.
The real problem is one of integrity, namely mine. Just having this kind of money handed to you is somewhat emasculating. When I was eight years old, life was so simple. My job was to go to school and get the highest marks possible. The one with the highest marks gets the best treatment, and sometimes the best of everything. And high marks are insanely easy to get. Surely it must be as easy to get "high marks" as an adult and make lots of money. Right? I actually thought that I would have somewhere on the order of $108 in the bank (not TOO much money, you know, just enough to be comfortable), a wife and four kids (because one, just sucks, two and three are just so typical, and five would definitely be too much). But then I grew up. My work ethic went south, and I started to realize that things aren't as simple as all that.
So I finished university and went through a series of bad experiences, living from check to check. That continued throughout most of my working life, and of course because I didn't feel that I had the choice to do anything I wanted, I stayed at positions I hated. So where am I now? Life isn't bad, but it should be so much more.
Anytime I would use that money I would have to think to myself that I was simply a charity case, just a lucky fuck who couldn't hack it on his own. But still I think that I could deal with that shame, as long as I didn't have to deal with having (being?) nothing, at least for a while. I could have experiences that part of me doesn't believe will ever be realized, if only because I am not smart enough or motivated enough.
I woke up this morning not feeling too great about myself. I feel much better now being distracted by work. (Work...hmmm...) But I don't think I want to fantasize like that again for a long time. I won't ask to see the carrot, and I hope the carrot isn't dangled in front of me any time soon.
