September 2003 Archives

Deb and I had a conversation today.

JonasParker: Check this out.

deb: should i be outraged?

JonasParker: It's a little odd, the whole thing.

deb: arranged marriages or getting married young?

JonasParker: Not that she walked out, but that she is being married off at 12, that it's such a HUGE event, and that the government seems bound to tolerate it.

deb: well, i don't jp..i think the gov't recognizes that it's cultural and really have no right to interfere. that she is twelve is not that alarming...it wasn't THAT long ago that women were getting married that young

deb: i suppose i feel bad that she is being forced to marry someone she doesn't want to marry

JonasParker: No right to interfere, eh? Then why should everyone else have to wait until they are 18?

deb: i don’t know...sounds like an archaic law designed to dictate the lives of its citizens

deb: it's all morality

JonasParker: You'd think that there'd be laws against child molestation, etc. But they "tolerate" this because they are a cultural minority?

JonasParker: Something seems more than a little off to me.

deb: well, i'd be alarmed if it was a society that suppressed their sexuality like ours, we don't let our 12 yr olds get married because we don't even want to tell them about sex at that age, but the gypsies i imagine are little less uptight about such things...i don't know for sure, but culturally speaking, i think its acceptable

JonasParker: Ah, well then if you bring that into play, should there even be age-of-consent laws here?

deb: what are those?

JonasParker: Or anywhere, for that matter?

JonasParker: Is that a joke?

deb: no...what is an age of consent law (I'm pretty sure i know, just want to make sure)

JonasParker: I don't have the technicalities of it, but it's a law that says that you must be at least a certain age to consent to sex with anyone.

JonasParker: They differ from place to place.

deb: uhuh...but not all cultures have the same attitudes about sex

JonasParker: I know this, but most western nations do have these laws in place.

deb: ok, but why can't people decide for themselves that they have to have a law?

JonasParker: I'd be surprised if there was no such law at all there.

JonasParker: Could you restate that? I think there was a typo.

deb: i just meant that people don't need a law to tell them when to have sex. what's the age of consent in canada?...I'm sure many of my friends and i broke it as teens

JonasParker: Yes, at least half of us do. It was designed to prevent older predators from harming youngsters.

deb: that's called statutory rape, and yes, in our society a law like that makes sense

deb: we work so hard at repressing sexuality, no wonder there are sexual deviants out there looking to harm young people

JonasParker: In their society, it could very well work there as well. Imagine all the ones who think it is almost perfectly acceptable to have their way with boys and girls 12 years of age, for example.

JonasParker: Because they have fewer taboos about sex. This sort of thing is just as easy if not easier to sweep under the rug for them.

deb: huh! are there high instances of pedophilia in gypsy cultures?

JonasParker: Just as it is in all closed societies. I'm talking about the gypsies, not Romanians in general, BTW.

deb: what if it's an acceptable sexual practice?

JonasParker: To have sex with kids against their will?

deb: no.

JonasParker: I doubt it is acceptable to have sex outside of marriage, particularly at that age.

deb: just having sex with young people in general, if there's no stigma or shame attached to it...what's the harm?

deb: I’m just asking...i don’t think it's an acceptable practice....but I'm asking...what if it was???

deb: ok, let's use another example.

deb: female circumcision in africa...totally barbaric practice, but is it our job to stop it?

JonasParker: No.

JonasParker: It's not our "job", but if they want help in stopping it, why wouldn't we help?

deb: same things with these marriages

deb: ah...but no one has asked us to stop it, and why couldn't they stop it themselves

JonasParker: There are more and more of these girls unwilling to go for these forced marriages. If they need support, shouldn't we support them?

deb: no.

JonasParker: They should stop it themselves, then.

deb: yes. maybe that sounds cold hearted, but it means less if people who don't understand your culture storm in telling you what to do

JonasParker: You really don't believe in cooperation, do you? Someone needs help, an offer is made, and those that need help get it. And I am not talking about the kind of help that you might get from a gun.

JonasParker: Culture is great, but culture gets eclipsed by tradition. Every time. Once it made sense to not eat pork, or to get married at age 12, or lots of things.

deb: i believe in cooperation but only within the context that the problem arises. the idea that a bunch of people on the other side of the world knows more about what you want than your own self is a little strange

deb: culture is tradition

JonasParker: Chances are, it no longer makes sense. But tradition takes hold, and people end up being forced to do things that may very well be wrong for them "just because".

deb: there are reasons behind all of our morality...some of it makes sense, some of it doesn’t

JonasParker: Just because it's always been done that way.

deb: you can't respect that

JonasParker: Someone on the other side of the world may know exactly what it is like to be forced into marriage and sexual relations before their time.

deb: ah...but in the context of their culture...it is not before their time...and besides, puberty is a pretty big indicator that their time has come

JonasParker: So you're saying that a person's heart, mind and in some cases, body do not outweigh what their culture forces upon them?

JonasParker: If that person believes it wrong, you're saying that it doesn't matter much because the culture they grew up in dictates otherwise?

deb: sure...unless

JonasParker: When someone is hurt, you measure that hurt from the perspective of that person, not from the intentions of those who did the hurt.

deb: i know what you're saying, it’s a very individualistic view.

JonasParker: Yes, it is.

deb: when you're dealing with big governments and large populations it’s hard to take into account everyone's feelings and desires

JonasParker: The problem with the entire cultural view is that people, without whom you would have no culture to speak of, are hurt needlessly.

deb: people are hurt everyday jp...there is no way of preventing that

JonasParker: Checks are needed to protect against those with power.

JonasParker: I know, I know. If I could type fast enough I would have said it before you.

JonasParker: I see no reason why we should not even try to minimize this, though.

deb: first man is flawed, so we have to make laws to protect him, then the system is flawed so we have to make more rules to protect man from laws.

deb: why can't people be trusted with their own judgement?

JonasParker: The same reason that people cannot be trusted with their own justice. The same reason why not everyone can protect themselves.

deb: that is?

JonasParker: We are not completely self-sufficient islands. If everyone could take care of themselves all the time, they probably would.

JonasParker: Of course, you'll probably say that the system makes us reliant on others for justice, food, etc.

deb: ...that's not what I'm suggesting of course, i would never suggest the people live alone and solely govern themselves..

deb: it does jp, if no one told us what to do...we'd figure it out

JonasParker: As you might say, it wasn't always like this. No one told us what to do, and then, someone was telling us what to do.

deb: right.

JonasParker: Maybe someone looked to the stars one day for guidance and saw God.

JonasParker: An authority figure. And then someone decided that we needed more of these figures to guide us.

deb: they had gods, they were a very spiritual people, but the one thing they didn’t do was tell everybody how to live

JonasParker: And so on, and so on. If everything were reset to zero again, what makes you think it would be different this time?

deb: authority came with the locking up of food

JonasParker: Fine. What makes you think it wouldn't happen this time?

deb: nothing makes me think it would be different, but people still need to wake up and realize that we are driving ourselves to extinction with our homogeneity

JonasParker: Fine. But saying that we should be trusted with our own judgement now is wrong. So many things need to happen first before that could ever become a desirable option on the scale that you are talking about.

deb: granted. but perhaps we should start by biting our tongues when things happen in other countries...

deb: why would we have more authority?

deb: what makes us qualified to say...this is right and that is wrong

JonasParker: I don't know. But are you willing to not have any kind of standard? Are you willing to have people taking advantage of the weak even more?

JonasParker: Maybe what makes us qualified comes down to numbers.

JonasParker: If enough think it is wrong, then it effectively is.

JonasParker: Many people think that capitalism is wrong, but not enough do.

deb: well the weak will have to wake the fuck up, or something will eventually give...why can't things just run their course?

JonasParker: Because everyone believes in the deus ex machina, the godman, or something external to all that they know to come and fix everything.

JonasParker: Like Jesus Christ. Although I am not sure what things this godman fixed.

deb: what if the french came into canada and said...the practice of women shaving their armpits is sexist and unacceptable, we demand you abolish this practice

JonasParker: There is no story more seductive than that of the hero.

deb: there is nothing to be fixed...that's the illusion

JonasParker: Then the Americans would say, "Fuck off, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!"

deb: then they'll say...let's go to iraq and make us some capitalists

JonasParker: Sure.

JonasParker: I am going to make a point of saying the phrase deus ex machina every day.

deb: what is that anyway?

deb: ah, right the super structure

JonasParker: It's an external force that comes in to fix things.

JonasParker: "God is NOT in the machine"

deb: he is the machine

JonasParker: No. "God" loves us and will deliver us from evil. God is outside and above the corruption. God is not in the machine. The Deus Ex Machina will set things right because it is not tainted by the structure.

deb: yo no comprendo

deb: are you being facetious

JonasParker: Well, yes. But that is the general idea of the godman, or any such external (divine) agent.

deb: but what if there is nothing to be fixed?

This morning, Rose woke me with the good news of Amina Lawal. She is set to be freed.

Some of you may recall the story of Amina Lawal, the Nigerian woman sentenced to death by stoning for adultery. A child resulted of the affair, so they gave her two years to wean the child before they were set to kill her. Pretty nice of them, really. Most would just be killed outright.

Amnesty International, and every women's rights organization under the sun got involved, as did plenty of men as well. (I fucking hope that both the National Action Committee of the Status of Women and the National Organization of Women stuck their noses deep in this one, if not then they will never get my support for anything!). There was pressure from all over the world, and lots of it. But still, they were set to kill this woman. Rose told me last night that the decision of whether or not to free Lawal was to be made today. I was absolutely convinced that they were going to kill her. Why? Because they wanted her killed. She's a worthless woman, no great loss, and she deserves to die. They wanted her dead, and it didn't matter to them what anyone thought of that. Death, death, death. I still can't believe that she is going to be free barring an appeal by the state. Listen to this:

1. She never had a lawyer during her first trial.
2. She was never made to fully understand what a conviction of this case would bring.
3. Pregnancy outside of marriage is all that is required to prove that a woman committed adultery. (i.e. a husband could deny having had sex with his wife for months, and the courts would believe him unless they brought in a learned scholar that they chose to listen to, see below)
4. All a man has to do is deny having raped someone, and any case brought against him is dropped for lack of evidence.

But wait, there's more. This excellent article by Sanusi L. Sanusi discusses how Islamic law and sharia have been misinterpreted and abused by the ignorant and powerful. This causes the whole religion to be called into question and exposes it to ridicule. I believe that some aspects of it are ridiculous. For example, gestsation periodsa are defined as anywhere from six months (minimum) to anywhere between four and twelve years to determine paternity. A twelve-year pregnancy? A sleeping fetus? I suppose that these laws were invented centuries before anyone really knew better, but twelve years? This is based on the assumption that Aisha, wife of the Holy Prophet, had three pregnancies in twelve years, and that each of the pregnancies lasted four years. Extending the maximum gestation period protects those who have odd medical circumstances (long pregnancies). If a birth happens after the maximum gestation period (which begins after the last date relations between husband and wife could reasonably and reliably occur), then the child is not the husband's, and the woman is probably an adulteress. The only way that I can imagine this to really make sense is in the case of an extrauterine pregnancy that is never detected, and eventually results in a calcified fetus. (This is a disgusting and spooky thing; I've seen pictures.) Here is some interesting text:

In the case of Amina Lawal (and the earlier case of Safiya) the babies were delivered well within the gestation period (emphasis mine). They could only be tried based on one of the following three possible events:

1. That the woman, being of sound mental health and fully aware of the consequences, voluntarily brings herself to the court and confesses to being pregnant from adultery. She is then convicted based on her confession, which she is free to withdraw at any point before or during the punishment. The partner is not convicted unless he confesses when asked or volunteers a confession as well. (This is based on sound traditions).
2. That four male, reliable eye-witnesses testify to having caught her in the same act of sexual intercourse with a man other than her husband. (emphasis mine) (This is based on Qur’anic text). Or
3. That the husband repudiates the child and takes an oath of Li-an to the effect that the woman is an adulteress and she fails or declines the counter oath affirming her innocence. (This is based on Qur’anic text).

We already know that the first condition didn't happen. Neither did the second or third, as far as I know. I would have to find more information on these men. But if what this scholar says is true, then Muslim Nigerians (and, to a lesser extent, the world) is being taken for a ride. This is yet another disgusting male power grab, I think. The fact that Sanusi Lamido is being harrassed by many fellow Muslims is proof that they would rather torture and kill women than listen to logic, reason, compassion, science or their own Holy Book. At least the ones in that part of Nigeria. This is why you should necessarily think ill of sharia or Islamic law, but the people who practice this law and would impose it on others.

Who am I kidding? Any law that says that men are better than women and advocates killing women (and men, to a lesser degree) should be scrapped and ridiculed.

I have just said that they hate women over there. Minutes after Lawal was freed, a man was sentenced to death by stoning for sodomy (and child molestation, I assume). I wonder if there will be any international appeal for this man. I'd say his chances are on the far side of zero, but we'll see.

I have always had very soft, smooth skin. It helps that I am not a very hairy person. People think I shave my legs (I don't, just just that my leg hair is brown and so am I, technically)!

It's great having soft, smooth, well-hydrated skin. Women love it. I like it. So it's a good thing. But I'm getting older. I'll be 30 in a little over a year. When that happens, I don't know what will happen to my skin. So I choose to nip that in the bud with Venus Hydrating Lotion.

Venus Hydrating Lotion is made with not only aloe, but REAL EMU OIL! I love emus, they're just so damn cute, aren't they? It's made with 100% natural ingredients such as zinc oxide and myristyl myristate, which is approved by your skin doctor.

So where did I get this miracle concoction? Rose's psycho-ex boyfriend's dad makes it! Now I use it! Isn't that funny? He gave some to Rose to sell, but she kept it instead. She ended up giving me some for my private use. I also have some facial cream. No, not that THAT kind of facial cream! I'd direct you to a website, but I haven't found one yet.

=======================================

It seems as though several people aren't doing so well right now. For V, I don't know what to say. I have recently learned about the futility of telling people that it is going to be okay. In your case, I don't think it will be okay right away. All people can do is try to be there when you need them and not walk on eggshells too much, because that will be another reminder that things aren't the same anymore.

And you, Arianna: It's amazing how many people fall so completely in love, and how fast they do it. But not me. Sure, I can really grow to like someone pretty quickly. But this full-bodied, all-consuming, love hasn't happened to me since I was 18. And whenever I have felt really down on myself, it normally turns to frustration, anger and finally action.

But this isn't supposed to be about me. But I would suggest looking at the "get mad, not sad" option.

=======================================

I have been looking for work in Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa and London, England. I'm not really that interested in moving to Toronto or Ottawa, since I've been there a million times each, but I am fully prepared to move to England. This means that I would likely have to end things with Julie. And I would, too. This could change my life. It could be the opportunity of a lifetime. Nothing will stand in my way of this. We'll talk tonight about it.

Of course, I haven't been trying too hard to find work there or anything. I'd probably rather be here. I've heard that London can destroy you.

=======================================

I met Jason, Elizabeth's boyfriend, last night. I was really bored last night and wanted to do something, so I brought over a game I bought Sunday and introduced her to it.

I had said and felt some pretty negative things about Jason in the past, but I gave him a clean slate when Liz decided to take him back. I really didn't expect him to be there last night, though. He was always in the studio. But his wisdom teeth are growing in, putting pressure on his auditory nerve. So he hasn't been to the studio in more than a week.

He was pretty friendly, and we had some things to talk about, particularly computers. It wasn't bad at all.

Liz is such a closet geek. It's okay to be a geek these days. People like them now, they are accepted, more or less. I am outing you, Liz!

Sometimes Rose sends me emails that are basically like entries in a diary. It was these emails that started getting my attention last year. I like the way she writes in English.

This is a story how you can really LIVE in the city. Stories like this are too few and far between. It's good that she can capture these moments like this and tell them they way she does. I have left the mistakes in there on purpose.

<rose>

I'm eating ice cream yesterday evening, sitting on a bench, when I see a man coming to sit between me a a woman with her child. The man starts chatting to the young boy. He says: "When I were christened, my mother wanted me to be named Serge. But in those times, grandmothers had power and she suggested that I be named Gérard instead. So that's why I am Gérard, but I hate that name!"

I start laughing a bit, the man looks at me: "Young lady! You find me funny? I sure hate that name, Gérard. It is so harsh when pronounced." And the man goes on about how the names Serge, Martin, Louis, etc. He even shows us, the woman with her boy and me, his Social Insurance card which shows his second name from his birth certificate, the name he wanted to be his: Serge. Serge Gérard Laverrière is from the Eastern Townships and has his eyes positioned close to each other, giving him a funny look, a friendly look. I say: "Then why don't you change your civil name to Serge?" He says: "Oh, young lady, I'm old and I have been called Gerard all my life. And now, I'm soon going in the wooden box!" I throw my plastic glass into the waste basket and stand up. "Well, I say, perhaps you'll have the chance to be Serge in another life." "Yes, he says, in another life, I hope."

***

I'm waiting for the bus to come, this morning when I notice a group of teenagers, apparently also waiting for the bus to go to school. One group is near the metro station's door, with sluttily clad 15 years-old girls with outrageous makeup and boys. One guy, rather fat, comes to another boy waiting in line. The guy in line hold a roller skater and has put some effort on his hair, as I can see. The fat boy calls him out: "Hey, Leo, if I jump on you, what are you going to do?" Leo looks at him in a sheepish way, he says: "I don't know". "Looks like a case of bullying", I said to myself. The fat boy returns with the other boys and girls. One of the girl calls out to Leo: "Asshole! Asshole! Hey, Asshole, look at me!" I look at Leo: he looks right in front of him, seeming not to hear the girl. His eyes are so sad it makes me want to cry. I thought about what I should do. Obviously, saying something to the bulliers would make Leo's case even worse. I want to say something to Leo. I think: "I should not mention what's going on. Simply give him some motivation to go on." I think about an introduction: "Hey, Leo, you're in sec 3, are you? Well, I know it seems like a long time but there remains only three years before you finish sec school. I know how fast that goes, I swear. You'll soon be finished with this shit and ready to move on to the best years of your life. Hold on." I don't know how well that would come out. I look at Leo, two persons away from me. He steps on his skateboard and skates away from the bus, the bulliers, toward his school.

</rose>

She absolutely loves learning. We were at the grocery store the other day. We needed some grapefruit juice for the drinks we were going to mix. We were in the right aisle, the juice was there, but she didn't see it: she was looking for grape juice. She figured that grapefruit was what you called grapes that were used in things such as juice. When I told her that grapes=raisin and grapefruit=pamplemousse, her reaction was striking. It was like she was somehow instantly imbued with divine knowledge, or that she was able to see for the first time. That’s the beauty of learning, isn’t it? The lighting bolt of comprehension.

I have to go to the fucking bank. I hate going there. I wish I were in school, too. That way I could waste time and not feel so useless. I have to try harder to find a job, because my current hopes are not bearing any fruit. Shit, shit, shit.

I had a minipoem in my head as I was groggy and waking up. But I can't remember all the words. I told it to Rose and she laughed.

The *** silent thinker
*** *** on his feet

It could have been the start of something good. I'll probably never know.

Now it's pouring rain. The bank will have to wait.