The New Scrawl

Things have been happening lately, for sure. There's been a emotional and physical upheaval. I won't get into all the details in this post, but I will describe some of the physical.

Last Wednesday, I started feeling a pain and soreness in my neck. At first I thought that it was muscle pain related to posture (I may not have the most ergonomic environment at work or at home), and since I am now prone to minor muscle soreness, this seemed reasonable. But it never went away that day. In fact, it swelled up to the point where you could see it if you looked.

I was supposed to leave to go to the Retreat Yourself '08 retreat sponsored by Young Adult Cancer Canada (formerly Real Time Cancer) on Thursday afternoon. I still had some pain and swelling Thursday morning when I got up at 5:30. I figured that the prudent thing to do would be to get it checked out by a doctor, so I arrived at the hospital at 7 am. There was no one else in the emergency ward, so everything happened pretty quickly initially. I saw the triage nurse, then I got registered, seen by a medical student and then a doctor all within 90 minutes, which is pretty fast for a Canadian emergency ward in a large city.

I have a few questions about genocide:

1. Is what the Germans did to the Jews during WWII genocide? (Note: it is frequently referred to as such.)
2. Is what the Europeans did to the native North Americans genocide? (Note: it is very rarely referred to as such.)
3. When is genocide justifiable?
4. Did the people who instigated and perpetuated these campaigns (which included murder, rape, enslavement and torture) know any better? In other words, can their deeds be understood and forgiven within the greater context and culture of the time, therefore lessening the impact and responsibility of what was done?
5. Is it only genocide if you are the victim? Is it something else if you are the aggressor?

I would appreciate it if you could answer these questions as best you can in order to discuss what genocide actually is, and what impact it has on the future.

As you know, I've been pretty stressed and depressed with the anticipation of the results of last week's scan. I've been very pragmatic and conservative about my expectations until this morning. This morning, and all day until the actual results, I was fearfully hoping that I could  hit a home run and be clear. Today I got the results. In keeping with tradition:

There is a previous history of esophagectomy and gastric pull-up for esophageal carcinoma. Since the previous PET scan, the patient has been on chemotherapy with the last dose given in May, 2008. The previously described small hypermetabolic focus located in the retropancreatic region on the left side of the celiac axis and inferolaterally to the surgical clips visualized on the CT scan, shows a similar maximum SUV of approximately 11 and on scanning, there is no evidence of significant change.

The previously demonstrated small lobulated hypermetabolic focus located anteriorly to the superior vena cava and therefore laterally to the ascending thoracic aorta (at the transverse horizontal plane of the carina level) shows a slightly more lobulated appearance and an SUV of 10.6 as compared to 9.7 in January, 2008.

There is a new focus of increased uptake in the region of the left lower internal jugular vein channel, at the horizontal level of the thyroid gland, measuring approximately 1.5 cm in diameter with a maximum SUV of 10.3.

There is no evidence of abnormal increased uptake at the sites of the small pulmonary parenchymal abnormalities visualized on the CT scan.

The rest of the total body PET scan shows no evidence of other sites of abnormal increased uptake to suggest the presence of active lesions avid on the FDG radiotracer at this time.

Very minor changes of the hypermetabolic foci located one of them in the mediastinum and the other in the retropancreatic region, since January, 2008, compatible with metastases. New small hypermetabolic focus in the left internal jugular vein channel, which is highly suspicious for a new metastatic lesion.

The rest of the PET scan appears normal.

I decided to post here again,so feel free to check it out.

Tomorrow, I will find out the results of last week's scan. I fully realized today what Julie already knew: I am frightened about tomorrow. I can talk all I want about my lack of faith in this chemotherapy bullshit and about how I am going to take care of this on my own and so on, but in the end, I am scared shitless about what the doctor will tell me tomorrow, no matter how calm I look on the outside. With each passing hour, I get a little more anxious.

In other news, I may get onto another project as early as next week. It'll be a summertime assignment, probably, so we'll see what happens.

I had my PET scan today to determine how much cancer is still in my body. I've had some back pain lately, likely due to yoga, which I will likely have to stop. This combined with the hard table you have to lie down on for 30 minutes left me feeling sore, tired and simply sad.

I am not sure what is wrong with me today, but these feelings of sadness and dissatisfaction won't go away easily, I think. This technically should be a time for optimism and hope, but it isn't at all. I think that the closer I get to the day of the results, which is next Thursday, the more that I am filled with a sense of dread.

But there is more than that. It's the dissatisfaction. What am I dissatisfied with? I know it has something to do with cancer, and it has nothing to do with those who have helped me. Maybe it's not dissatisfaction, but rather disappointment. All I know is that I am not very happy today, and the next couple of weeks don't look too great, either.

Maybe I just need to see more friends.

Do you have wings? I like to think that I do. By the way, this is an old meme, but I don`t actually know what my readers`Myers-Briggs types are. I wonder if there are more I`s than E`s that read my words, and the details of those I`s and E`s. Why don`t you take a Myers-Briggs test and find out, then tell me here? I, of course, am an ENTP. I think.

I would also encourage you to read this. Just how emotionally mature are you? I would say that I am just to the right of the middle of the pack, although the last year has pushed me further to the right (assuming that emotionally mature is on the right side of the scale, and emotionally immature is on the left).

And my God, this is beautiful. I have never heard this story before.

You may have read about the mystery feet washing up in BC. Here's my take on it.

Tea is a big part of our lives (Julie and I, that is) and to that end we decided to take 5 hours of our lives and go to the seminars offered by premier tea provider and salon Camellia Sinensis last weekend. It was incredibly fun! We got to taste 19 different teas! Delicious, I must say. Definitely an experience even for those that don't know much about tea. For example:

Pu-erh teas are the only tea that does not degrade over time; in fact it gets better and better with age. For this reason, they are classified by year and region just like vintage wine. They often look and taste similar to a strong black tea to the novice, even though there is a green tea aspect to it. One of the owners of Camellia Sinensis was allowed (after a grueling question-and-answer session by some local tea cultivators and sellers in China) to enter what I would call a shrine to Pu-erh tea. In this room was millions of dollars of tea stored in individual cakes. One such cake dating from 1930 (and there were many, even much older ones) and weighing roughly 350 grams cost about $10 000. Using the consumption of Julie and I as a reference* it would cost us about $30 per cup of tea. $30. Per CUP. If you wanted to try our tea, we'd have to charge you.